THE CLOUDS

By Aristophanes

Translated by William James Hickie

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

     Strepsiades
     Phidippides
     Servant of Strepsiades
     Disciples of Socrates
     Socrates
     Chorus of Clouds
     Just Cause
     Unjust Cause
     Pasias
     Amynias
     Witness
     Chaerephon

     Scene: The interior of a sleeping-apartment:
     Strepsiades, Phidippides, and two servants are in their
     beds; a small house is seen at a distance. Time:
     midnight.

     Strepsiades (sitting up in his bed). Ah me! Ah me! O
     King Jupiter, of what a terrible length the nights are!
     Will it never be day? And yet long since I heard the
     cock. My domestics are snoring; but they would not have
     done so heretofore! May you perish then, O war! For many
     reasons; because I may not even punish my domestics.
     Neither does this excellent youth awake through the
     night; but takes his ease, wrapped up in five blankets.
     Well, if it is the fashion, let us snore wrapped up.

     [Lies down, and then almost immediately starts up
     again.]

     But I am not able, miserable man, to sleep, being
     tormented by my expenses, and my stud of horses, and my
     debts, through this son of mine. He with his long hair,
     is riding horses and driving curricles, and dreaming of
     horses; while I am driven to distraction, as I see the
     moon bringing on the twentieths;  for the interest is
     running on. Boy! Light a lamp, and bring forth my
     tablets, that I may take them and read to how many I am
     indebted, and calculate the interest.

     [Enter boy with a light and tablets.]

     Come, let me see; what do I owe? Twelve minae  to
     Pasias. Why twelve minae to Pasias? Why did I borrow
     them? When I bought the blood-horse. Ah me, unhappy!
     Would that it had had its eye knocked out with a stone
     first!

     Phidippides (talking in his sleep). You are acting
     unfairly, Philo! Drive on your own course.

     Strep. This is the bane that has destroyed me; for even
     in his sleep he dreams about horsemanship.

     Phid. How many courses will the war-chariots run?

     Strep. Many courses do you drive me, your father. But
     what debt came upon me after Pasias? Three minae to
     Amynias for a little chariot and pair of wheels.

     Phid. Lead the horse home, after having given him a good
     rolling.

     Strep. O foolish youth, you have rolled me out of my
     possessions; since I have been cast in suits, and others
     say that they will have surety given them for the
     interest.

     Phid. (awakening) Pray, father, why are you peevish, and
     toss about the whole night?

     Strep. A bailiff out of the bedclothes is biting
     me.

     Phid. Suffer me, good sir, to sleep a little.

     Strep. Then, do you sleep on; but know that all these
     debts will turn on your head.

     [Phidippides falls asleep again.]

     Alas! Would that the match-maker had perished miserably,
     who induced me to marry your mother. For a country life
     used to be most agreeable to me, dirty, untrimmed,
     reclining at random, abounding in bees, and sheep, and
     oil-cake. Then I, a rustic, married a niece of Megacles,
     the son of Megacles, from the city, haughty, luxurious,
     and Coesyrafied. When I married her, I lay with her
     redolent of new wine, of the cheese-crate, and abundance
     of wool; but she, on the contrary, of ointment, saffron,
     wanton-kisses, extravagance, gluttony, and of Colias and
     Genetyllis.  I will not indeed say that she was idle;
     but she wove. And I used to show her this cloak by way
     of a pretext and say "Wife, you weave at a great
     rate."

     Servant re-enters.

     Servant. We have no oil in the lamp.

     Strep. Ah me! Why did you light the thirsty lamp? Come
     hither that you may weep!

     Ser. For what, pray, shall I weep?

     Strep. Because you put in one of the thick wicks.

     [Servant runs out]

     After this, when this son was born to us, to me,
     forsooth, and to my excellent wife, we squabbled then
     about the name: for she was for adding hippos  to the
     name, Xanthippus, or Charippus, or Callipides; but I was
     for giving him the name of his grandfather, Phidonides.
     For a time therefore we disputed; and then at length we
     agreed, and called him Phidippides. She used to take
     this son and fondle him, saying, "When you, being grown
     up, shall drive your chariot to the city, like Megacles,
     with a xystis." But I used to say, "Nay, rather, when
     dressed in a leathern jerkin, you shall drive goats from
     Phelleus, like your father." He paid no attention to my
     words, but poured a horse-fever over my property. Now,
     therefore, by meditating the whole night, I have
     discovered one path for my course extraordinarily
     excellent; to which if I persuade this youth I shall be
     saved. But first I wish to awake him. How then can I
     awake him in the most agreeable manner? How?
     Phidippides, my little Phidippides?

     Phid. What, father?

     Strep. Kiss me, and give me your right hand!

     Phid. There. What's the matter?

     Strep. Tell me, do you love me?

     Phid. Yes, by this Equestrian Neptune.

     Strep. Nay, do not by any means mention this Equestrian
     to me, for this god is the author of my misfortunes.
     But, if you really love me from your heart, my son, obey
     me.

     Phid. In what then, pray, shall I obey you?

     Strep. Reform your habits as quickly as possible, and go
     and learn what I advise.

     Phid. Tell me now, what do you prescribe?

     Strep. And will you obey me at all?

     Phid. By Bacchus,  I will obey you.

     Strep. Look this way then! Do you see this little door
     and little house?

     Phid. I see it. What then, pray, is this, father?

     Strep. This is a thinking-shop of wise spirits. There
     dwell men who in speaking of the heavens persuade people
     that it is an oven, and that it encompasses us, and that
     we are the embers. These men teach, if one give them
     money, to conquer in speaking, right or wrong.

     Phid. Who are they?

     Strep. I do not know the name accurately. They are
     minute philosophers, noble and excellent.

     Phid. Bah! They are rogues; I know them. You mean the
     quacks, the pale-faced wretches, the bare-footed
     fellows, of whose numbers are the miserable Socrates and
     Chaerephon.

     Strep. Hold! Hold! Be silent! Do not say anything
     foolish. But, if you have any concern for your father's
     patrimony, become one of them, having given up your
     horsemanship.

     Phid. I would not, by Bacchus, even if you were to give
     me the pheasants which Leogoras  rears!

     Strep. Go, I entreat you, dearest of men, go and be
     taught.

     Phid. Why, what shall I learn?

     Strep. They say that among them are both the two
     causes—the better cause, whichever that is, and the
     worse: they say that the one of these two causes, the
     worse, prevails, though it speaks on the unjust side.
     If, therefore you learn for me this unjust cause, I
     would not pay any one, not even an obolus of these
     debts, which I owe at present on your account.

     Phid. I can not comply; for I should not dare to look
     upon the knights, having lost all my colour.

     Strep. Then, by Ceres,  you shall not eat any of my
     good! Neither you, nor your blood-horse; but I will
     drive you out of my house to the crows.

     Phid. My uncle Megacles will not permit me to be without
     a horse. But I'll go in, and pay no heed to you.

     [Exit Phidippides.]

     Strep. Though fallen, still I will not lie prostrate:
     but having prayed to the gods, I will go myself to the
     thinking-shop and get taught. How, then, being an old
     man, shall I learn the subtleties of refined
     disquisitions? I must go. Why thus do I loiter and not
     knock at the door?

     [Knocks at the door.]

     Boy! Little boy!

     Disciple (from within). Go to the devil! Who it is that
     knocked at the door?

     Strep. Strepsiades, the son of Phidon, of Cicynna.

     Dis. You are a stupid fellow, by Jove! who have kicked
     against the door so very carelessly, and have caused the
     miscarriage of an idea which I had conceived.

     Strep. Pardon me; for I dwell afar in the country. But
     tell me the thing which has been made to miscarry.

     Dis. It is not lawful to mention it, except to
     disciples.

     Strep. Tell it, then, to me without fear; for I here am
     come as a disciple to the thinking-shop.

     Dis. I will tell you; but you must regard these as
     mysteries. Socrates lately asked Chaerephon  about a
     flea, how many of its own feet it jumped; for after
     having bit the eyebrow of Chaerephon, it leaped away
     onto the head of Socrates.

     Strep. How then did he measure this?

     Dis. Most cleverly. He melted some wax; and then took
     the flea and dipped its feet in the wax; and then a pair
     of Persian slippers stuck to it when cooled. Having
     gently loosened these, he measured back the distance.

     Strep. O King Jupiter! What subtlety of thought!

     Dis. What then would you say if you heard another
     contrivance of Socrates?

     Strep. Of what kind? Tell me, I beseech you!

     Dis. Chaerephon the Sphettian asked him whether he
     thought gnats buzzed through the mouth or the breech.

     Strep. What, then, did he say about the gnat?

     Dis. He said the intestine of the gnat was narrow and
     that the wind went forcibly through it, being slender,
     straight to the breech; and then that the rump, being
     hollow where it is adjacent to the narrow part,
     resounded through the violence of the wind.

     Strep. The rump of the gnats then is a trumpet! Oh,
     thrice happy he for his sharp-sightedness! Surely a
     defendant might easily get acquitted who understands the
     intestine of the gnat.

     Dis. But he was lately deprived of a great idea by a
     lizard.

     Strep. In what way? Tell me.

     Dis. As he was investigating the courses of the moon and
     her revolutions, then as he was gaping upward a lizard
     in the darkness dropped upon him from the roof.

     Strep. I am amused at a lizard's having dropped on
     Socrates.

     Dis. Yesterday evening there was no supper for us.

     Strep. Well. What then did he contrive for provisions?

     Dis. He sprinkled fine ashes on the table, and bent a
     little spit, and then took it as a pair of compasses and
     filched a cloak from the Palaestra.

     Strep. Why then do we admire Thales?  Open open quickly
     the thinking-shop, and show to me Socrates as quickly as
     possible. For I desire to be a disciple. Come, open the
     door.

     [The door of the thinking-shop opens and the pupils of
     Socrates are seen all with their heads fixed on the
     ground, while Socrates himself is seen suspended in the
     air in a basket.]

     O Hercules, from what country are these wild beasts?

     Dis. What do you wonder at? To what do they seem to you
     to be like?

     Strep. To the Spartans who were taken at Pylos.  But why
     in the world do these look upon the ground?

     Dis. They are in search of the things below the earth.

     Strep. Then they are searching for roots. Do not, then,
     trouble yourselves about this; for I know where there
     are large and fine ones. Why, what are these doing, who
     are bent down so much?

     Dis. These are groping about in darkness under Tartarus.

     Strep. Why then does their rump look toward heaven?

     Dis. It is getting taught astronomy alone by itself.

     [Turning to the pupils.]

     But go in, lest he meet with us.

     Strep. Not yet, not yet; but let them remain, that I may
     communicate to them a little matter of my own.

     Dis. It is not permitted to them to remain without in
     the open air for a very long time.

     [The pupils retire.]

     Strep. (discovering a variety of mathematical
     instruments) Why, what is this, in the name of heaven?
     Tell me.

     Dis. This is Astronomy.

     Strep. But what is this?

     Dis. Geometry.

     Strep. What then is the use of this?

     Dis. To measure out the land.

     Strep. What belongs to an allotment?

     Dis. No, but the whole earth.

     Strep. You tell me a clever notion; for the contrivance
     is democratic and useful.

     Dis. (pointing to a map) See, here's a map of the whole
     earth. Do you see? This is Athens.

     Strep. What say you? I don't believe you; for I do not
     see the Dicasts  sitting.

     Dis. Be assured that this is truly the Attic territory.

     Strep. Why, where are my fellow-tribesmen of Cicynna?

     Dis. Here they are. And Euboea here, as you see, is
     stretched out a long way by the side of it to a great
     distance.

     Strep. I know that; for it was stretched by us and
     Pericles.  But where is Lacedaemon?

     Dis. Where is it? Here it is.

     Strep. How near it is to us! Pay great attention to
     this, to remove it very far from us.

     Dis. By Jupiter, it is not possible.

     Strep. Then you will weep for it.

     [Looking up and discovering Socrates.]

     Come, who is this man who is in the basket?

     Dis. Himself.

     Strep. Who's "Himself"?

     Dis. Socrates.

     Strep. O Socrates! Come, you sir, call upon him loudly
     for me.

     Dis. Nay, rather, call him yourself; for I have no
     leisure.

     [Exit Disciple.]

     Strep. Socrates! My little Socrates!

     Socrates. Why callest thou me, thou creature of a day?

     Strep. First tell me, I beseech you, what are you doing.

     Soc. I am walking in the air, and speculating about the
     sun.

     Strep. And so you look down upon the gods from your
     basket, and not from the earth?

     Soc. For I should not have rightly discovered things
     celestial if I had not suspended the intellect, and
     mixed the thought in a subtle form with its kindred air.
     But if, being on the ground, I speculated from below on
     things above, I should never have discovered them. For
     the earth forcibly attracts to itself the meditative
     moisture. Water-cresses also suffer the very same thing.

     Strep. What do you say? Does meditation attract the
     moisture to the water-cresses? Come then, my little
     Socrates, descend to me, that you may teach me those
     things, for the sake of which I have come.

     [Socrates lowers himself and gets out of the basket.]

     Soc. And for what did you come?

     Strep. Wishing to learn to speak; for by reason of
     usury, and most ill-natured creditors, I am pillaged and
     plundered, and have my goods seized for debt.

     Soc. How did you get in debt without observing it?

     Strep. A horse-disease consumed me—terrible at eating.
     But teach me the other one of your two causes, that
     which pays nothing; and I will swear by the gods, I will
     pay down to you whatever reward you exact of me.

     Soc. By what gods will you swear? For, in the first
     place, gods are not a current coin with us.

     Strep. By what do you swear? By iron money, as in
     Byzantium?

     Soc. Do you wish to know clearly celestial matters, what
     they rightly are?

     Strep. Yes, by Jupiter, if it be possible!

     Soc. And to hold converse with the Clouds, our
     divinities?

     Strep. By all means.

     Soc. (with great solemnity). Seat yourself, then, upon
     the sacred couch.

     Strep. Well, I am seated!

     Soc. Take, then, this chaplet.

     Strep. For what purpose a chaplet? Ah me! Socrates, see
     that you do not sacrifice me like Athamas!

     Strep. No; we do all these to those who get initiated.

     Strep. Then what shall I gain, pray?

     Soc. You shall become in oratory a tricky knave, a
     thorough rattle, a subtle speaker. But keep quiet.

     Strep. By Jupiter! You will not deceive me; for if I am
     besprinkled, I shall become fine flour.

     Soc. It becomes the old man to speak words of good omen,
     and to hearken to my prayer. O sovereign King,
     immeasurable Air, who keepest the earth suspended, and
     through bright Aether, and ye august goddesses, the
     Clouds, sending thunder and lightning, arise, appear in
     the air, O mistresses, to your deep thinker!

     Strep. Not yet, not yet, till I wrap this around me lest
     I be wet through. To think of my having come from home
     without even a cap, unlucky man!

     Soc. Come then, ye highly honoured Clouds, for a display
     to this man. Whether ye are sitting upon the sacred
     snow-covered summits of Olympus, or in the gardens of
     Father Ocean form a sacred dance with the Nymphs, or
     draw in golden pitchers the streams of the waters of the
     Nile, or inhabit the Maeotic lake, or the snowy rock of
     Mimas, hearken to our prayer, and receive the sacrifice,
     and be propitious to the sacred rites.

     [The following song is heard at a distance, accompanied
     by loud claps of thunder.]

     Chorus. Eternal Clouds! Let us arise to view with our
     dewy, clear-bright nature, from loud-sounding Father
     Ocean to the wood-crowned summits of the lofty
     mountains, in order that we may behold clearly the
     far-seen watch-towers, and the fruits, and the
     fostering, sacred earth, and the rushing sounds of the
     divine rivers, and the roaring, loud-sounding sea; for
     the unwearied eye of Aether sparkles with glittering
     rays. Come, let us shake off the watery cloud from our
     immortal forms and survey the earth with far-seeing eye.

     Soc. O ye greatly venerable Clouds, ye have clearly
     heard me when I called.

     [Turning to Strepsiades.]

     Did you hear the voice, and the thunder which bellowed
     at the same time, feared as a god?

     Strep. I too worship you, O ye highly honoured, and am
     inclined to reply to the thundering, so much do I
     tremble at them and am alarmed. And whether it be
     lawful, or be not lawful, I have a desire just now to
     ease myself.

     Soc. Don't scoff, nor do what these poor-devil-poets do,
     but use words of good omen, for a great swarm of
     goddesses is in motion with their songs.

     Cho. Ye rain-bringing virgins, let us come to the
     fruitful land of Pallas,  to view the much-loved country
     of Cecrops,  abounding in brave men; where is reverence
     for sacred rites not to be divulged;  where the house
     that receives the initiated is thrown open in holy
     mystic rites; and gifts to the celestial gods; and
     high-roofed temples, and statues; and most sacred
     processions in honour of the blessed gods; and
     well-crowned sacrifices to the gods, and feasts, at all
     seasons; and with the approach of spring the Bacchic
     festivity, and the rousings of melodious choruses, and
     the loud-sounding music of flutes.

     Strep. Tell me, O Socrates, I beseech you, by Jupiter,
     who are these that have uttered this grand song? Are
     they some heroines?

     Soc. By no means; but heavenly Clouds, great divinities
     to idle men; who supply us with thought and argument,
     and intelligence and humbug, and circumlocution, and
     ability to hoax, and comprehension.

     Strep. On this account therefore my soul, having heard
     their voice, flutters, and already seeks to discourse
     subtilely, and to quibble about smoke, and having
     pricked a maxim with a little notion, to refute the
     opposite argument. So that now I eagerly desire, if by
     any means it be possible, to see them palpably.

     Soc. Look, then, hither, toward Mount Parnes;  for now I
     behold them descending gently.

     Strep. Pray where? Show me.

     Soc. See! There they come in great numbers through the
     hollows and thickets; there, obliquely.

     Strep. What's the matter? For I can't see them.

     Soc. By the entrance.

     [Enter Chorus]

     Strep. Now at length with difficulty I just see them.

     Soc. Now at length you assuredly see them, unless you
     have your eyes running pumpkins.

     Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! O highly honoured Clouds, for
     now they cover all things.

     Soc. Did you not, however, know, nor yet consider, these
     to be goddesses?

     Strep. No, by Jupiter! But I thought them to be mist,
     and dew, and smoke.

     Soc. For you do not know, by Jupiter! that these feed
     very many sophists, Thurian soothsayers, practisers of
     medicine, lazy-long-haired-onyx-ring-wearers,
     song-twisters for the cyclic dances, and meteorological
     quacks. They feed idle people who do nothing, because
     such men celebrate them in verse.

     Strep. For this reason, then, they introduced into their
     verses "the dreadful impetuosity of the moist,
     whirling-bright clouds"; and the "curls of
     hundred-headed Typho"; and the "hard-blowing tempests";
     and then "aerial, moist"; "crooked-clawed birds,
     floating in air"; and "the showers of rain from dewy
     Clouds". And then, in return for these, they swallow
     "slices of great, fine mullets, and bird's-flesh of
     thrushes."

     Soc. Is it not just, however, that they should have
     their reward, on account of these?

     Strep. Tell me, pray, if they are really clouds, what
     ails them, that they resemble mortal women? For they are
     not such.

     Soc. Pray, of what nature are they?

     Strep. I do not clearly know: at  any rate they resemble
     spread-out fleeces, and not women, by Jupiter! Not a
     bit; for these have noses.

     Soc. Answer, then, whatever I ask you.

     Strep. Then say quickly what you wish.

     Soc. Have you ever, when you; looked up, seen a cloud
     like to a centaur, or a panther, or a wolf, or a bull?

     Strep. By Jupiter, have I! But what of that?

     Soc. They become all things, whatever they please. And
     then if they see a person with long hair, a wild one of
     these hairy fellows, like the son of Xenophantes, in
     derision of his folly, they liken themselves to
     centaurs.

     Strep. Why, what, if they should see Simon,  a plunderer
     of the public property, what do they do?

     Soc. They suddenly become wolves, showing up his
     disposition.

     Strep. For this reason, then, for this reason, when they
     yesterday saw Cleonymus the recreant, on this account
     they became stags, because they saw this most cowardly
     fellow.

     Soc. And now too, because they saw Clisthenes, you
     observe, on this account they became women.

     Strep. Hail therefore, O mistresses! And now, if ever ye
     did to any other, to me also utter a voice reaching to
     heaven, O all-powerful queens.

     Cho. Hail, O ancient veteran, hunter after learned
     speeches! And thou, O priest of most subtle trifles!
     Tell us what you require? For we would not hearken to
     any other of the recent meteorological sophists, except
     to Prodicus;  to him, on account of his wisdom and
     intelligence; and to you, because you walk proudly in
     the streets, and cast your eyes askance, and endure many
     hardships with bare feet, and in reliance upon us
     lookest supercilious.

     Strep. O Earth, what a voice! How holy and dignified and
     wondrous!

     Soc. For, in fact, these alone are goddesses; and all
     the rest is nonsense.

     Strep. But come, by the Earth, is not Jupiter, the
     Olympian, a god?

     Soc. What Jupiter? Do not trifle. There is no Jupiter.

     Strep. What do you say? Who rains then? For first of all
     explain this to me.

     Soc. These to be sure. I will teach you it by powerful
     evidence. Come, where have you ever seen him raining at
     any time without Clouds? And yet he ought to rain in
     fine weather, and these be absent.

     Strep. By Apollo, of a truth you have rightly confirmed
     this by your present argument. And yet, before this, I
     really thought that Jupiter caused the rain. But tell me
     who is it that thunders. This makes me tremble.

     Soc. These, as they roll, thunder.

     Strep. In what way? you all-daring man!

     Soc. When they are full of much water, and are compelled
     to be borne along, being necessarily precipitated when
     full of rain, then they fall heavily upon each other and
     burst and clap.

     Strep. Who is it that compels them to borne along? Is it
     not Jupiter?

     Soc. By no means, but aethereal Vortex.

     Strep. Vortex? It had escaped my notice that Jupiter did
     not exist, and that Vortex now reigned in his stead. But
     you have taught me nothing as yet concerning the clap
     and the thunder.

     Soc. Have you not heard me, that I said that the Clouds,
     when full of moisture, dash against each other and clap
     by reason of their density?

     Strep. Come, how am I to believe this?

     Soc. I'll teach you from your own case. Were you ever,
     after being stuffed with broth at the Panathenaic
     festival,  then disturbed in your belly, and did a
     tumult suddenly rumble through it?

     Strep. Yes, by Apollo! And immediately the little broth
     plays the mischief with me, and is disturbed and rumbles
     like thunder, and grumbles dreadfully: at first gently
     pappax, pappax; and then it adds papa-pappax; and
     finally, it thunders downright papapappax, as they do.

     Soc. Consider, therefore, how you have trumpeted from a
     little belly so small; and how is it not probable that
     this air, being boundless, should thunder so loudly?

     Strep. For this reason, therefore, the two names also
     Trump and Thunder, are similar to each other. But teach
     me this, whence comes the thunderbolt blazing with fire,
     and burns us to ashes when it smites us, and singes
     those who survive. For indeed Jupiter evidently hurls
     this at the perjured.

     Soc. Why, how then, you foolish person, and savouring of
     the dark ages and antediluvian, if his manner is to
     smite the perjured, does he not blast Simon, and
     Cleonymus, and Theorus? And yet they are very perjured.
     But he smites his own temple, and Sunium the promontory
     of Athens, and the tall oaks. Wherefore, for indeed an
     oak does not commit perjury.

     Strep. I do not know; but you seem to speak well. For
     what, pray, is the thunderbolt?

     Soc. When a dry wind, having been raised aloft, is
     inclosed in these Clouds, it inflates them within, like
     a bladder; and then, of necessity, having burst them, it
     rushes out with vehemence by reason of its density,
     setting fire to itself through its rushing and
     impetuosity.

     Strep. By Jupiter, of a truth I once experienced this
     exactly at the Diasian  festival! I was roasting a
     haggis for my kinsfolk, and through neglect I did not
     cut it open; but it became inflated and then suddenly
     bursting, befouled my eyes and burned my face.

     Cho. O mortal, who hast desired great wisdom from us!
     How happy will you become among the Athenians and among
     the Greeks, if you be possessed of a good memory, and be
     a deep thinker, and endurance of labour be implanted in
     your soul, and you be not wearied either by standing or
     walking, nor be exceedingly vexed at shivering with
     cold, nor long to break your fast, and you refrain from
     wine, and gymnastics, and the other follies, and
     consider this the highest excellence, as is proper a
     clever man should, to conquer by action and counsel, and
     by battling with your tongue.

     Strep. As far as regards a sturdy spirit, and care that
     makes one's bed uneasy, and a frugal spirit and
     hard-living and savory-eating belly, be of good courage
     and don't trouble yourself; I would offer myself to
     hammer on, for that matter.

     Soc. Will you not, pray, now believe in no god, except
     what we believe in—this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the
     Tongue—these three?

     Strep. Absolutely I would not even converse with the
     others, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice to
     them, nor make libations,  nor offer frankincense.

     Cho. Tell us then boldly, what we must do for you? For
     you shall not fail in getting it, if you honour and
     admire us, and seek to become clever.

     Strep. O mistresses, I request of you then this very
     small favour, that I be the best of the Greeks in
     speaking by a hundred stadia.

     Cho. Well, you shall have this from us, so that
     hence-forward from this time no one shall get more
     opinions passed in the public assemblies than you.

     Strep. Grant me not to deliver important opinions; for I
     do not desire these, but only to pervert the right for
     my own advantage, and to evade my creditors.

     Cho. Then you shall obtain what you desire; for you do
     not covet great things. But commit yourself without fear
     to our ministers.

     Strep. I will do so in reliance upon you, for necessity
     oppresses me, on account of the blood-horses, and the
     marriage that ruined me. Now, therefore, let them use me
     as they please. I give up this body to them to be
     beaten, to be hungered, to be troubled with thirst, to
     be squalid, to shiver with cold, to flay into a leathern
     bottle, if I shall escape clear from my debts, and
     appear to men to be bold, glib of tongue, audacious,
     impudent, shameless, a fabricator of falsehoods,
     inventive of words, a practiced knave in lawsuits, a
     law-tablet, a thorough rattle, a fox, a sharper, a
     slippery knave, a dissembler, a slippery fellow, an
     impostor, a gallows-bird, a blackguard, a twister, a
     troublesome fellow, a licker-up of hashes. If they call
     me this, when they meet me, let them do to me absolutely
     what they please. And if they like, by Ceres, let them
     serve up a sausage out of me to the deep thinkers.

     Cho. This man has a spirit not void of courage, but
     prompt. Know, that if you learn these matters from me,
     you will possess among mortals a glory as high as
     heaven.

     Strep. What shall I experience?

     Cho. You shall pass with me the most enviable of mortal
     lives the whole time.

     Strep. Shall I then ever see this?

     Cho. Yea, so that many be always seated at your gates,
     wishing to communicate with you and come to a conference
     with you, to consult with you as to actions and
     affidavits of many talents, as is worthy of your
     abilities.

     [To Socrates.]

     But attempt to teach the old man by degrees whatever you
     purpose, and scrutinize his intellect, and make trial of
     his mind.

     Soc. Come now, tell me your own turn of mind; in order
     that, when I know of what sort it is, I may now, after
     this, apply to you new engines.

     Strep. What? By the gods, do you purpose to besiege me?

     Soc. No; I wish to briefly learn from you if you are
     possessed of a good memory.

     Strep. In two ways, by Jove! If anything be owing to me,
     I have a very good memory; but if I owe unhappy man, I
     am very forgetful.

     Soc. Is the power of speaking, pray, implanted in your
     nature?

     Strep. Speaking is not in me, but cheating is.

     Soc. How, then, will you be able to learn?

     Strep. Excellently, of course.

     Soc. Come, then, take care that, whenever I propound any
     clever dogma about abstruse matters, you catch it up
     immediately.

     Strep. What then? Am I to feed upon wisdom like a dog?

     Soc. This man is ignorant and brutish—I fear, old man,
     lest you will need blows. Come, let me see; what do you
     do if any one beat you?

     Strep. I take the beating; and then, when I have waited
     a little while, I call witnesses to prove it; then
     again, after a short interval, I go to law.

     Soc. Come, then, lay down your cloak.

     Strep. Have I done any wrong?

     Soc. No; but it is the rule to enter naked.

     Strep. But I do not enter to search for stolen goods.

     Soc. Lay it down. Why do you talk nonsense?

     Strep. Now tell me this, pray. If I be diligent and
     learn zealously, to which of your disciples shall I
     become like?

     Soc. You will no way differ from Chaerephon in
     intellect.

     Strep. Ah me, unhappy! I shall become half-dead.

     Soc. Don't chatter; but quickly follow me hither with
     smartness.

     Strep. Then give me first into my hands a honeyed cake;
     for I am afraid of descending within, as if into the
     cave of Trophonius.

     Soc. Proceed; why do you keep poking about the door?

     [Exeunt Socrates and Strepsiades]

     Cho. Well, go in peace, for the sake of this your
     valour. May prosperity attend the man, because, being
     advanced into the vale of years, he imbues his intellect
     with modern subjects, and cultivates wisdom!

     [Turning to the audience.]

     Spectators, I will freely declare to you the truth, by
     Bacchus, who nurtured me! So may I conquer, and be
     accounted skillful, as that, deeming you to be clever
     spectators, and this to be the cleverest of my comedies,
     I thought proper to let you first taste that comedy,
     which gave me the greatest labour. And then I retired
     from the contest defeated by vulgar fellows, though I
     did not deserve it. These things, therefore, I object to
     you, a learned audience, for whose sake I was expending
     this labour. But not even thus will I ever willingly
     desert the discerning portion of you. For since what
     time my Modest Man and my Rake  were very highly praised
     here by an audience, with whom it is a pleasure even to
     hold converse, and I (for I was still a virgin, and it
     was not lawful for me as yet to have children) exposed
     my offspring, and another girl took it up, and owned it,
     and you generously reared and educated it, from this
     time I have had sure pledges of your good will toward
     me. Now, therefore, like that well-known Electra, has
     this comedy come seeking, if haply it meet with an
     audience so clever, for it will recognize, if it should
     see, the lock of its brother.  But see how modest she is
     by nature, who, in the first place, has come, having
     stitched to her no leathern phallus hanging down, red at
     the top, and thick, to set the boys a laughing;  nor yet
     jeered the bald-headed, nor danced the cordax;  nor does
     the old man who speaks the verses beat the person near
     him with his staff, keeping out of sight wretched
     ribaldry; nor has she rushed in with torches, nor does
     she shout iou, iou;  but has come relying on herself and
     her verses. And I, although so excellent a poet, do not
     give myself airs, nor do I seek to deceive you by twice
     and thrice bringing forward the same pieces; but I am
     always clever at introducing new fashions, not at all
     resembling each other, and all of them clever; who
     struck Cleon  in the belly when at the height of his
     power, and could not bear to attack him afterward when
     he was down. But these scribblers, when once Hyperbolus
     has given them a handle, keep ever trampling on this
     wretched man and his mother. Eupolis,  indeed, first of
     all craftily introduced his Maricas, having basely, base
     fellow, spoiled by altering my play of the Knights,
     having added to it, for the sake of the cordax, a
     drunken old woman, whom Phrynichus long ago poetized,
     whom the whale was for devouring. Then again Hermippus
     made verses on Hyperbolus; and now all others press hard
     upon Hyperbolus, imitating my simile of the eels.
     Whoever, therefore, laughs at these, let him not take
     pleasure in my attempts; but if you are delighted with
     me and my inventions, in times to come you will seem to
     be wise.

      I first invoke, to join our choral band, the mighty
     Jupiter, ruling on high, the monarch of gods; and the
     potent master of the trident, the fierce upheaver of
     earth and briny sea; and our father of great renown,
     most august Aether, life-supporter of all; and the
     horse-guider, who fills the plain of the earth with
     exceeding bright beams, a mighty deity among gods and
     mortals.

      Most clever spectators, come, give us your attention;
     for having been injured, we blame you to your faces. For
     though we benefit the state most of all the gods, to us
     alone of the deities you do not offer sacrifice nor yet
     pour libations, who watch over you. For if there should
     be any expedition without prudence, then we either
     thunder or drizzle small rain.  And then, when you were
     for choosing as your general the Paphlagonian tanner,
     hateful to the gods, we contracted our brows and were
     enraged; and thunder burst through the lightning; and
     the Moon forsook her usual paths; and the Sun
     immediately drew in his wick to himself, and declared he
     would not give you light, if Cleon should be your
     general. Nevertheless you chose him. For they say that
     ill counsel is in this city; that the gods, however,
     turn all these your mismanagements to a prosperous
     issue. And how this also shall be advantageous, we will
     easily teach you. If you should convict the cormorant
     Cleon of bribery and embezzlement, and then make fast
     his neck in the stocks, the affair will turn out for the
     state to the ancient form again, if you have mismanaged
     in any way, and to a prosperous issue.

     Hear me again, King Phoebus, Delian Apollo, who
     inhabitest the high-peaked Cynthian rock!  And thou,
     blessed goddess, who inhabitest the all-golden house of
     Ephesus,  in which Lydian damsels greatly reverence
     thee;  and thou, our national goddess, swayer of the
     aegis, Minerva,  guardian of the city! And thou, reveler
     Bacchus, who, inhabiting the Parnassian rock, sparklest
     with torches, conspicuous among the Delphic Bacchanals!

     When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met
     us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and
     their allies;  and then declared that she was angry, for
     that she had suffered dreadful things, though she
     benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first
     place, not less than a drachma every month for torches;
     so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were
     wont to say, "Boy, don't buy a torch, for the moonlight
     is beautiful." And she says she confers other benefits
     on you, but that you do not observe the days at all
     correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she
     says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they
     are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not
     having met with the regular feast according to the
     number of the days. And then, when you ought to be
     sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating.
     And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we
     mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon,  you are pouring libations
     and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having
     obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon,  was
     afterward deprived by us gods of his crown; for thus he
     will know better that he ought to spend the days of his
     life according to the Moon.

     [Enter Socrates]

     Soc. By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seen
     any man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid,
     nor so forgetful; who, while learning some little petty
     quibbles, forgets them before he has learned them.
     Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to the
     light. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch.

     Strep. (from within). The bugs do not permit me to bring
     it forth.

     Soc. Make haste and lay it down; and give me your
     attention.

     [Enter Strepsiades]

     Strep. Very well.

     Soc. Come now; what do you now wish to learn first of
     those things in none of which you have ever been
     instructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, or
     verses?

     Strep. I should prefer to learn about measures; for it
     is but lately I was cheated out of two choenices  by a
     meal-huckster.

     Soc. I do not ask you this, but which you account the
     most beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter?

     Strep. Make a wager then with me, if the semisextarius
     be not a tetrameter.

     Soc. Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull of
     learning. Perhaps you may be able to learn about
     rhythms.

     Strep. But what good will rhythms do me for a living?

     Soc. In the first place, to be clever at an
     entertainment, understanding what rhythm is for the
     war-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle.

     Strep. According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it!

     Soc. Tell me, pray.

     Strep. What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, when
     I was yet a boy, this here!

     Soc. You are boorish and stupid.

     Strep. For I do not desire, you wretch, to learn any of
     these things.

     Soc. What then?

     Strep. That, that, the most unjust cause.

     Soc. But you must learn other things before these;
     namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine.

     Strep. I know the males, if I am not mad-krios, tragos,
     tauros, kuon, alektryon.

     Soc. Do you see what you are doing? You are calling both
     the female and the male alektryon in the same way.

     Strep. How, pray? Come, tell me.

     Soc. How? The one with you is alektryon, and the other
     is alektryon also.

     Strep. Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them?

     Soc. The one alektryaina and the other alektor.

     Strep. Alektryaina? Capital, by the Air! So that, in
     return for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardopos
     full of barley-meal on all sides.

     Soc. See! See! There again is another blunder! You make
     kardopos, which is feminine, to be masculine.

     Strep. In what way do I make kardopos masculine?

     Soc. Most assuredly; just as if you were to say
     Cleonymos.

     Strep. Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, but
     kneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to call
     it henceforth?

     Soc. How? Call it kardope, as you call Sostrate.

     Strep. Kardope in the feminine?

     Soc. For so you speak it rightly.

     Strep. But that would make it kardope, Kleonyme.

     Soc. You must learn one thing more about names, what are
     masculine and what of them are feminine.

     Strep. I know what are female.

     Soc. Tell me, pray.

     Strep. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.

     Soc. What names are masculine?

     Strep. Thousands; Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.

     Soc. But, you wretch! These are not masculine.

     Strep. Are they not males with you?

     Soc. By no means; for how would you call Amynias, if you
     met him?

     Strep. How would I call? Thus: "Come hither, come hither
     Amynia!"

     Soc. Do you see? You call Amynias a woman.

     Strep. Is it not then with justice, who does not serve
     in the army? But why should I learn these things, that
     we all know?

     Soc. It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourself
     down here—

     Strep. What must I do?

     Soc. Think out some of your own affairs.

     Strep. Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must,
     suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground.

     Soc. There is no other way.

     [Exit Socrates.]

     Strep. Unfortunate man that I am! What a penalty shall I
     this day pay to the bugs!

     Cho. Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself
     about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and
     quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to
     another mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be
     absent from your eyes.

     Strep. Attatai! Attatai!

     Cho. What ails you? Why are you distressed?

     Strep. Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians,
     coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my
     sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away
     my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will
     annihilate me.

     Cho. Do not now be very grievously distressed.

     Strep. Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion
     gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone? And furthermore
     in addition to these evils, with singing the
     night-watches, I am almost gone myself.

     [Re-enter Socrates]

     Soc. Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?

     Strep. I? Yea, by Neptune!

     Soc. And what, pray, have you thought?

     Strep. Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.

     Soc. You will perish most wretchedly.

     Strep. But, my good friend, I have already perished.

     Soc. You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up;
     for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a
     means of cheating.

     [Walks up and down while Strepsiades wraps himself up in
     the blankets.]

     Strep. Ah me! Would, pray, some one would throw over me
     a swindling contrivance from the sheep-skins.

     Soc. Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he is
     about. Ho you! Are you asleep?

     Strep. No, by Apollo, I am not!

     Soc. Have you got anything?

     Strep. No; by Jupiter, certainly not!

     Soc. Nothing at all?

     Strep. Nothing, except what I have in my right hand.

     Soc. Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think of
     something?

     Strep. About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates!

     Soc. Do you, yourself, first find out and state what you
     wish.

     Strep. You have heard a thousand times what I wish.
     About the interest; so that I may pay no one.

     Soc. Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given your
     mind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by little
     and little, rightly distinguishing and examining.

     Strep. Ah me, unhappy man!

     Soc. Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one of
     your conceptions, leave it and go; and then set your
     mind in motion again, and lock it up.

     Strep. (in great glee). O dearest little Socrates!

     Soc. What, old man?

     Strep. I have got a device for cheating them of the
     interest.

     Soc. Exhibit it.

     Strep. Now tell me this, pray; if I were to purchase a
     Thessalian witch, and draw down the moon by night,  and
     then shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a round
     crest-case, and then carefully keep it—

     Soc. What good, pray, would this do you?

     Strep. What? If the moon were to rise no longer
     anywhere, I should not pay the interest.

     Soc. Why so, pray?

     Strep. Because the money is lent out by the month.

     Soc. Capital! But I will again propose to you another
     clever question. If a suit of five talents should be
     entered against you, tell me how you would obliterate
     it.

     Strep. How? How? I do not know but I must seek.

     Soc. Do not then always revolve your thoughts about
     yourself; but slack away your mind into the air, like a
     cock-chafer  tied with a thread by the foot.

     Strep. I have found a very clever method of getting rid
     of my suit, so that you yourself would acknowledge it.

     Soc. Of what description?

     Strep. Have you ever seen this stone in the chemist's
     shops, the beautiful and transparent one, from which
     they kindle fire?

     Soc. Do you mean the burning-glass?

     Strep. I do. Come what would you say, pray, if I were to
     take this, when the clerk was entering the suit, and
     were to stand at a distance, in the direction of the
     sun, thus, and melt out the letters of my suit?

     Soc. Cleverly done, by the Graces!

     Strep. Oh! How I am delighted, that a suit of five
     talents has been cancelled!

     Soc. Come now, quickly seize upon this.

     Strep. What?

     Soc. How, when engaged in a lawsuit, you could overturn
     the suit, when you were about to be cast, because you
     had no witnesses.

     Strep. Most readily and easily.

     Soc. Tell me, pray.

     Strep. Well now, I'll tell you. If, while one suit was
     still pending, before mine was called on, I were to run
     away and hang myself.

     Soc. You talk nonsense.

     Strep. By the gods, would I! For no one will bring
     action against me when I am dead.

     Soc. You talk nonsense. Begone; I can't teach you any
     longer.

     Strep. Why so? Yea, by the gods, O Socrates!

     Soc. You straightaway forget whatever you learn. For
     what now was the first thing you were taught? Tell me.

     Strep. Come, let me see: nay, what was the first? What
     was the fist? Nay, what was the thing in which we knead
     our flour? Ah me! What was it?

     Soc. Will you not pack off to the devil, you most
     forgetful and most stupid old man?

     Strep. Ah me, what then, pray will become of me,
     wretched man? For I shall be utterly undone, if I do not
     learn to ply the tongue. Come, O ye Clouds, give me some
     good advice.

     Cho. We, old man, advise you, if you have a son grown
     up, to send him to learn in your stead.

     Strep. Well, I have a fine, handsome son, but he is not
     willing to learn. What must I do?

     Cho. But do you permit him?

     Strep. Yes, for he is robust in body, and in good
     health, and is come of the high-plumed dames of Coesyra.
     I will go for him, and if he be not willing, I will
     certainly drive him from my house.

     [To Socrates.]

     Go in and wait for me a short time.

     [Exit]

     Cho. Do you perceive that you are soon to obtain the
     greatest benefits through us alone of the gods? For this
     man is ready to do everything that you bid him. But you,
     while the man is astounded and evidently elated, having
     perceived it, will quickly fleece him to the best of
     your power.

     [Exit Socrates]

     For matters of this sort are somehow accustomed to turn
     the other way.

     [Enter Strepsiades and Phidippides]

     Strep. By Mist, you certainly shall not stay here any
     longer! But go and gnaw the columns of Megacles.

     Phid. My good sir, what is the matter with you, O
     father? You are not in your senses, by Olympian Jupiter!

     Strep. See, see, "Olympian Jupiter!" What folly! To
     think of your believing in Jupiter, as old as you are!

     Phid. Why, pray, did you laugh at this?

     Strep. Reflecting that you are a child, and have
     antiquated notions. Yet, however, approach, that you may
     know more; and I will tell you a thing, by learning
     which you will be a man. But see that you do not teach
     this to any one.

     Phid. Well, what is it?

     Strep. You swore now by Jupiter.

     Phid. I did.

     Strep. Seest thou, then, how good a thing is learning?
     There is no Jupiter, O Phidippides!

     Phid. Who then?

     Strep. Vortex reigns, having expelled Jupiter.

     Phid. Bah! Why do you talk foolishly?

     Strep. Be assured that it is so.

     Phid. Who says this?

     Strep. Socrates the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows
     the footmarks of fleas.

     Phid. Have you arrived at such a pitch of frenzy that
     you believe madmen?

     Strep. Speak words of good omen, and say nothing bad of
     clever men and wise; of whom, through frugality, none
     ever shaved or anointed himself, or went to a bath to
     wash himself; while you squander my property in bathing,
     as if I were already dead. But go as quickly as possible
     and learn instead of me.

     Phid. What good could any one learn from them?

     Strep. What, really? Whatever wisdom there is among men.
     And you will know yourself, how ignorant and stupid you
     are. But wait for me here a short time.

     [Runs off]

     Phid. Ah me! What shall I do, my father being crazed?
     Shall I bring him into court and convict him of lunacy,
     or shall I give information of his madness to the
     coffin-makers?

     [Re-enter Strepsiades with a cock under one arm and a
     hen under the other]

     Strep. Come, let me see; what do you consider this to
     be? Tell me.

     Phid. Alectryon.

     Strep. Right. And what this?

     Phid. Alectryon.

     Strep. Both the same? You are very ridiculous. Do not do
     so, then, for the future; but call this alektryaina, and
     this one alektor.

     Phid. Alektryaina! Did you learn these clever things by
     going in just now to the Titans?

     Strep. And many others too; but whatever I learned on
     each occasion I used to forget immediately, through
     length of years.

     Phid. Is it for this reason, pray, that you have also
     lost your cloak?

     Strep. I have not lost it; but have studied it away.

     Phid. What have you made of your slippers, you foolish
     man?

     Strep. I have expended them, like Pericles, for needful
     purposes.  Come, move, let us go. And then if you obey
     your father, go wrong if you like. I also know that I
     formerly obeyed you, a lisping child of six years old,
     and bought you a go-cart at the Diasia, with the first
     obolus I received from the Heliaea.

     Phid. You will assuredly some time at length be grieved
     at this.

     Strep. It is well done of you that you obeyed. Come
     hither, come hither O Socrates! Come forth, for I bring
     to you this son of mine, having persuaded him against
     his will.

     [Enter Socrates]

     Soc. For he is still childish, and not used to the
     baskets here.

     Phid. You would yourself be used to them if you were
     hanged.

     Strep. A mischief take you! Do you abuse your teacher?

     Soc. "Were hanged" quoth 'a! How sillily he pronounced
     it, and with lips wide apart! How can this youth ever
     learn an acquittal from a trial or a legal summons, or
     persuasive refutation? And yet Hyperbolus learned this
     at the cost of a talent.

     Strep. Never mind; teach him. He is clever by nature.
     Indeed, from his earliest years, when he was a little
     fellow only so big, he was wont to form houses and carve
     ships within-doors, and make little wagons of leather,
     and make frogs out of pomegranate-rinds, you can't think
     how cleverly. But see that he learns those two causes;
     the better, whatever it may be; and the worse, which, by
     maintaining what is unjust, overturns the better. If not
     both, at any rate the unjust one by all means.

     Soc. He shall learn it himself from the two causes in
     person.

     [Exit Socrates]

     Strep. I will take my departure. Remember this now, that
     he is to be able to reply to all just arguments.

     [Exit Strepsiades and enter Just Cause and Unjust Cause]

     Just Cause. Come hither! Show yourself to the
     spectators, although being audacious.

     Unjust Cause. Go whither you please; for I shall far
     rather do for you, if I speak before a crowd.

     Just. You destroy me? Who are you?

     Unj. A cause.

     Just. Ay, the worse.

     Unj. But I conquer you, who say that you are better than
     I.

     Just. By doing what clever trick?

     Unj. By discovering new contrivances.

     Just. For these innovations flourish by the favour of
     these silly persons.

     Unj. No; but wise persons.

     Just I will destroy you miserably.

     Unj. Tell me, by doing what?

     Just By speaking what is just.

     Unj. But I will overturn them by contradicting them; for
     I deny that justice even exists at all.

     Just Do you deny that it exists?

     Unj. For come, where is it?

     Just With the gods.

     Unj. How, then, if justice exists, has Jupiter not
     perished, who bound his own father?

     Just Bah! This profanity now is spreading! Give me a
     basin.

     Unj. You are a dotard and absurd.

     Just You are debauched and shameless.

     Unj. You have spoken roses of me.

     Just And a dirty lickspittle.

     Unj. You crown me with lilies.

     Just And a parricide.

     Unj. You don't know that you are sprinkling me with
     gold.

     Just Certainly not so formerly, but with lead.

     Unj. But now this is an ornament to me.

     Just You are very impudent.

     Unj. And you are antiquated.

     Just And through you, no one of our youths is willing to
     go to school; and you will be found out some time or
     other by the Athenians, what sort of doctrines you teach
     the simple-minded.

     Unj. You are shamefully squalid.

     Just And you are prosperous. And yet formerly you were a
     beggar saying that you were the Mysian Telephus,  and
     gnawing the maxims of Pandeletus out of your little
     wallet.

     Unj. Oh, the wisdom—

     Just Oh, the madness—

     Unj. Which you have mentioned.

     Just And of your city, which supports you who ruin her
     youths.

     Unj. You shan't teach this youth, you old dotard.

     Just Yes, if he is to be saved, and not merely to
     practise loquacity.

     Unj. (to Phidippides) Come hither, and leave him to
     rave.

     Just You shall howl, if you lay your hand on him.

     Cho. Cease from contention and railing. But show to us,
     you, what you used to teach the men of former times, and
     you, the new system of education; in order that, having
     heard you disputing, he may decide and go to the school
     of one or the other.

     Just. I am willing to do so.

     Unj. I also am willing.

     Cho. Come now, which of the two shall speak first?

     Unj. I will give him the precedence; and then, from
     these things which he adduces, I will shoot him dead
     with new words and thoughts. And at last, if he mutter,
     he shall be destroyed, being stung in his whole face and
     his two eyes by my maxims, as if by bees.

     Cho. Now the two, relying on very dexterous arguments
     and thoughts, and sententious maxims, will show which of
     them shall appear superior in argument. For now the
     whole crisis of wisdom is here laid before them; about
     which my friends have a very great contest. But do you,
     who adorned our elders with many virtuous manners, utter
     the voice in which you rejoice, and declare your nature.

     Just. I will, therefore, describe the ancient system of
     education, how it was ordered, when I flourished in the
     advocacy of justice, and temperance was the fashion. In
     the first place it was incumbent that no one should hear
     the voice of a boy uttering a syllable; and next, that
     those from the same quarter of the town should march in
     good order through the streets to the school of the
     harp-master, naked, and in a body, even if it were to
     snow as thick as meal. Then again, their master would
     teach them, not sitting cross-legged, to learn by rote a
     song, either "pallada persepolin deinan"  or "teleporon
     ti boama"  raising to a higher pitch the harmony which
     our fathers transmitted to us. But if any of them were
     to play the buffoon, or to turn any quavers, like these
     difficult turns the present artists make after the
     manner of Phrynis, he used to be thrashed, being beaten
     with many blows, as banishing the Muses. And it behooved
     the boys, while sitting in the school of the
     Gymnastic-master, to cover the thigh, so that they might
     exhibit nothing indecent to those outside; then again,
     after rising from the ground, to sweep the sand
     together, and to take care not to leave an impression of
     the person for their lovers. And no boy used in those
     days to anoint himself below the navel; so that their
     bodies wore the appearance of blooming health. Nor used
     he to go to his lover, having made up his voice in an
     effeminate tone, prostituting himself with his eyes. Nor
     used it to be allowed when one was dining to take the
     head of the radish, or to snatch from their seniors dill
     or parsley, or to eat fish, or to giggle, or to keep the
     legs crossed.

     Unj. Aye, antiquated and dipolia-like  and full of
     grasshoppers, and of Cecydes, and of the Buphonian
     festival!

     Just Yet certainly these are those principles by which
     my system of education nurtured the men who fought at
     Marathon. But you teach the men of the present day, so
     that I am choked, when at the Panathenaia a fellow,
     holding his shield before his person, neglects
     Tritogenia,  when they ought to dance. Wherefore, O
     youth, choose with confidence, me, the better cause, and
     you will learn to hate the Agora, and to refrain from
     baths, and to be ashamed of what is disgraceful, and to
     be enraged if any one jeer you, and to rise up from
     seats before your seniors when they approach, and not to
     behave ill toward your parents, and to do nothing else
     that is base, because you are to form in your mind an
     image of Modesty: and not to dart into the house of a
     dancing-woman, lest, while gaping after these things,
     being struck with an apple by a wanton, you should be
     damaged in your reputation: and not to contradict your
     father in anything; nor by calling him Iapetus, to
     reproach him with the ills of age, by which you were
     reared in your infancy.

     Unj. If you shall believe him in this, O youth, by
     Bacchus, you will be like the sons of Hippocrates, and
     they will call you a booby.

     Just. Yet certainly shall you spend your time in the
     gymnastic schools, sleek and blooming; not chattering in
     the market-place rude jests, like the youths of the
     present day; nor dragged into court for a petty suit,
     greedy, pettifogging, knavish; but you shall descend to
     the Academy  and run races beneath the sacred olives
     along with some modest compeer, crowned with white
     reeds, redolent of yew, and careless ease, of
     leaf-shedding white poplar, rejoicing in the season of
     spring, when the plane-tree whispers to the elm. If you
     do these things which I say, and apply your mind to
     these, you will ever have a stout chest, a clear
     complexion, broad shoulders, a little tongue, large
     hips, little lewdness. But if you practise what the
     youths of the present day do, you will have in the first
     place, a pallid complexion, small shoulders, a narrow
     chest, a large tongue, little hips, great lewdness, a
     long psephism;  and this deceiver will persuade you to
     consider everything that is base to be honourable, and
     what is honourable to be base; and in addition to this,
     he will fill you with the lewdness of Antimachus.

     Cho. O thou that practisest most renowned high-towering
     wisdom! How sweetly does a modest grace attend your
     words! Happy, therefore, were they who lived in those
     days, in the times of former men! In reply, then, to
     these, O thou that hast a dainty-seeming Muse, it
     behooveth thee to say something new; since the man has
     gained renown. And it appears you have need of powerful
     arguments against him, if you are to conquer the man and
     not incur laughter.

     Unj. And yet I was choking in my heart, and was longing
     to confound all these with contrary maxims. For I have
     been called among the deep thinkers the "worse cause" on
     this very account, that I first contrived how to speak
     against both law and justice; and this art is worth more
     than ten thousand staters, that one should choose the
     worse cause, and nevertheless be victorious. But mark
     how I will confute the system of education on which he
     relies, who says, in the first place, that he will not
     permit you to be washed with warm water. And yet, on
     what principle do you blame the warm baths?

     Just. Because it is most vile, and makes a man cowardly.

     Unj. Stop! For immediately I seize and hold you by the
     waist without escape. Come, tell me, which of the sons
     of Jupiter do you deem to have been the bravest in soul,
     and to have undergone most labours?

     Just. I consider no man superior to Hercules.

     Unj. Where, pray, did you ever see cold Herculean baths?
     And yet, who was more valiant than he?

     Just. These are the very things which make the bath full
     of youths always chattering all day long, but the
     palaestras empty.

     Unj. You next find fault with their living in the
     market-place; but I commend it. For if it had been bad,
     Homer would never have been for representing Nestor  as
     an orator; nor all the other wise men. I will return,
     then, from thence to the tongue, which this fellow says
     our youths ought not to exercise, while I maintain they
     should. And again, he says they ought to be modest: two
     very great evils. For tell me to whom you have ever seen
     any good accrue through modesty and confute me by your
     words.

     Just. To many. Peleus,  at any rate, received his sword
     on account of it.

     Unj. A sword? Marry, he got a pretty piece of luck, the
     poor wretch! While Hyperbolus, he of the lamps, got more
     than many talents by his villainy, but by Jupiter, no
     sword!

     Just. And Peleus married Thetis, too, through his
     modesty.

     Unj. And then she went off and left him; for he was not
     lustful, nor an agreeable bedfellow to spend the night
     with. Now a woman delights in being wantonly treated.
     But you are an old dotard. For (to Phidippides)
     consider, O youth, all that attaches to modesty, and of
     how many pleasures you are about to be deprived—of
     women, of games at cottabus, of dainties, of
     drinking-bouts, of giggling. And yet, what is life worth
     to you if you be deprived of these enjoyments? Well, I
     will pass from thence to the necessities of our nature.
     You have gone astray, you have fallen in love, you have
     been guilty of some adultery, and then have been caught.
     You are undone, for you are unable to speak. But if you
     associate with me, indulge your inclination, dance,
     laugh, and think nothing disgraceful. For if you should
     happen to be detected as an adulterer, you will make
     this reply to him, "that you have done him no injury":
     and then refer him to Jupiter, how even he is overcome
     by love and women. And yet, how could you, who are a
     mortal, have greater power than a god?

     Just. But what if he should suffer the radish through
     obeying you, and be depillated with hot ashes?  What
     argument will he be able to state, to prove that he is
     not a blackguard?

     Unj. And if he be a blackguard, what harm will he
     suffer?

     Just. Nay, what could he ever suffer still greater than
     this?

     Unj. What then will you say if you be conquered by me in
     this?

     Just. I will be silent: what else can I do?

     Unj. Come, now, tell me; from what class do the
     advocates come?

     Just. From the blackguards.

     Unj. I believe you. What then? From what class do
     tragedians come?

     Just. From the blackguards.

     Unj. You say well. But from what class do the public
     orators come?

     Just. From the blackguards.

     Unj. Then have you perceived that you say nothing to the
     purpose? And look which class among the audience is the
     more numerous.

     Just. Well now, I'm looking.

     Unj. What, then, do you see?

     Just. By the gods, the blackguards to be far more
     numerous. This fellow, at any rate, I know; and him
     yonder; and this fellow with the long hair.

     Unj. What, then, will you say?

     Just. We are conquered. Ye blackguards, by the gods,
     receive my cloak, for I desert to you.

     [Exeunt the Two Causes, and re-enter Socrates and
     Strepsiades.]

     Soc. What then? whether do you wish to take and lead
     away this your son, or shall I teach him to speak?

     Strep. Teach him, and chastise him: and remember that
     you train him properly; on the one side able for petty
     suits; but train his other jaw able for the more
     important causes.

     Soc. Make yourself easy; you shall receive him back a
     clever sophist.

     Strep. Nay, rather, pale and wretched.

     [Exeunt Socrates, Strepsiades, and Phidippides.]

     Cho. Go ye, then: but I think that you will repent of
     these proceedings. We wish to speak about the judges,
     what they will gain, if at all they justly assist this
     Chorus. For in the first place, if you wish to plough up
     your fields in spring, we will rain for you first; but
     for the others afterward. And then we will protect the
     fruits, and the vines, so that neither drought afflict
     them, nor excessive wet weather. But if any mortal
     dishonour us who are goddesses, let him consider what
     evils he will suffer at our hands, obtaining neither
     wine nor anything else from his farm. For when his
     olives and vines sprout, they shall be cut down; with
     such slings will we smite them. And if we see him making
     brick, we will rain; and we will smash the tiles of his
     roof with round hailstones. And if he himself, or any
     one of his kindred or friends, at any time marry, we
     will rain the whole night; so he will probably wish
     rather to have been even in Egypt than to have judged
     badly.

     [Enter Strepsiades with a meal-sack on his shoulder.]

     Strep. The fifth, the fourth, the third, after this the
     second; and then, of all the days I most fear, and
     dread, and abominate, immediately after this there is
     the Old and New. For every one to whom I happen to be
     indebted, swears, and says he will ruin and destroy me,
     having made his deposits against me; though I only ask
     what is moderate and just-"My good sir, one part don't
     take just now; the other part put off I pray; and the
     other part remit"; they say that thus they will never
     get back their money, but abuse me, as I am unjust, and
     say they will go to law with me. Now therefore let them
     go to law, for it little concerns me, if Phidippides has
     learned to speak well. I shall soon know by knocking at
     the thinking-shop.

     [Knocks at the door.]

     Boy, I say! Boy, boy!

     [Enter Socrates]

     Soc. Good morning, Strepsiades.

     Strep. The same to you. But first accept this present;
     for one ought to compliment the teacher with a fee. And
     tell me about my son, if he has learned that cause,
     which you just now brought forward.

     Soc. He has learned it.

     Strep. Well done, O Fraud, all-powerful queen!

     Soc. So that you can get clear off from whatever suit
     you please.

     Strep. Even if witnesses were present when I borrowed
     the money?

     Soc. Yea, much more! Even if a thousand be present.

     Strep. Then I will shout with a very loud shout: Ho!
     Weep, you petty-usurers, both you and your principals,
     and your compound interests! For you can no longer do me
     any harm, because such a son is being reared for me in
     this house, shining with a double-edged tongue, for my
     guardian, the preserver of my house, a mischief to my
     enemies, ending the sadness of the great woes of his
     father. Him do thou run and summon from within to me.

     [Socrates goes into the house.]

     O child! O son! Come forth from the house! Hear your
     father!

     [Re-enter Socrates leading in Phidippides]

     Soc. Lo, here is the man!

     Strep. O my dear, my dear!

     Soc. Take your son and depart.

     [Exit Socrates.]

     Strep. Oh, oh, my child! Huzza! Huzza! How I am
     delighted at the first sight of your complexion! Now,
     indeed, you are, in the first place, negative and
     disputatious to look at, and this fashion native to the
     place plainly appears, the "what do you say?" and the
     seeming to be injured when, I well know, you are
     injuring and inflicting a wrong; and in your countenance
     there is the Attic look. Now, therefore, see that you
     save me, since you have also ruined me.

     Phid. What, pray, do you fear?

     Strep. The Old and New.

     Phid. Why, is any day old and new?

     Strep. Yes; on which they say that they will make their
     deposits against me.

     Phid. Then those that have made them will lose them; for
     it is not possible that two days can be one day.

     Strep. Can not it?

     Phid. Certainly not; unless the same woman can be both
     old and young at the same time.

     Strep. And yet it is the law.

     Phid. For they do not, I think, rightly understand what
     the law means.

     Strep. And what does it mean?

     Phid. The ancient Solon  was by nature the commons'
     friend.

     Strep. This surely is nothing whatever to the Old and
     New.

     Phid. He therefore made the summons for two days, for
     the Old and New, that the deposits might be made on the
     first of the month.

     Strep. Why, pray, did he add the old day?

     Phid. In order, my good sir, that the defendants, being
     present a day before, might compromise the matter of
     their own accord; but if not, that they might be worried
     on the morning of the new moon.

     Strep. Why, then, do the magistrates not receive the
     deposits on the new moon, but on the Old and New?

     Phid. They seem to me to do what the forestallers do: in
     order that they may appreciate the deposits as soon as
     possible, on this account they have the first pick by
     one day.

     Strep. (turning to the audience) Bravo! Ye wretches, why
     do you sit senseless, the gain of us wise men, being
     blocks, ciphers, mere sheep, jars heaped together,
     wherefore I must sing an encomium upon myself and this
     my son, on account of our good fortune. "O happy
     Strepsiades! How wise you are yourself, and how
     excellent is the son whom you are rearing!" My friends
     and fellow-tribesmen will say of me, envying me, when
     you prove victorious in arguing causes. But first I wish
     to lead you in and entertain you.

     [Exeunt Strepsiades and Phidippides.]

     Pasias (entering with his summons-witness) Then, ought a
     man to throw away any part of his own property? Never!
     But it were better then at once to put away blushes,
     rather than now to have trouble; since I am now dragging
     you to be a witness, for the sake of my own money; and
     further, in addition to this, I shall become an enemy to
     my fellow-tribesman. But never, while I live, will I
     disgrace my country, but will summon Strepsiades.

     Strep. (from within) Who's there?

     Pas. For the Old and New.

     Strep. I call you to witness, that he has named it for
     two days. For what matter do you summon me?

     Pas. For the twelve minae, which you received when you
     were buying the dapple-gray horse.

     Strep. A horse? Do you not hear? I, whom you all know to
     hate horsemanship!

     Pas. And, by Jupiter! You swore by the gods too, that
     you would repay it.

     Strep. Ay, by Jove! For then my Phidippides did not yet
     know the irrefragable argument.

     Pas. And do you now intend, on this account, to deny the
     debt?

     Strep. Why, what good should I get else from his
     instruction?

     Pas. And will you be willing to deny these upon oath of
     the gods?

     Strep. What gods?

     Pas. Jupiter, Mercury, and Neptune.

     Strep. Yes, by Jupiter! And would pay down, too, a
     three-obol piece besides to swear.

     Pas. Then may you perish some day for your impudence!

     Strep. This man would be the better for it if he were
     cleansed by rubbing with salt.

     Pas. Ah me, how you deride me!

     Strep. He will contain six choae.

      Pas. By great Jupiter and the gods, you certainly shall
     not do this to me with impunity!

     Strep. I like your gods amazingly; and Jupiter, sworn
     by, is ridiculous to the knowing ones.

      Pas. You will assuredly suffer punishment, some time or
     other, for this. But answer and dismiss me, whether you
     are going to repay me my money or not.

     Strep. Keep quiet now, for I will presently answer you
     distinctly.

     [Runs into the house.]

     Pas. (to his summons-witness). What do you think he will
     do?

     Witness. I think he will pay you.

     [Re-enter Strepsiades with a kneading-trough]

     Strep. Where is this man who asks me for his money? Tell
     me what is this?

     Pas. What is this? A kardopos.

     Strep. And do you then ask me for your money, being such
     an ignorant person? I would not pay, not even an obolus,
     to any one who called the kardope kardopos.

     Pas. Then won't you pay me?

     Strep. Not, as far as I know. Will you not then pack off
     as fast as possible from my door?

     Pas. I will depart; and be assured of this, that I will
     make deposit against you, or may I live no longer!

     Strep. Then you will lose it besides, in addition to
     your twelve minae. And yet I do not wish you to suffer
     this, because you named the kardopos foolishly.

     [Exeunt Pasias and Witness, and enter Amynias]

     Amynias. Ah me! Ah me!

     Strep. Ha! Whoever is this, who is lamenting? Surely it
     was not one of Carcinus' deities  that spoke.

     Amyn. But why do you wish to know this, who I am?-A
     miserable man.

     Strep. Then follow your own path.

     Amyn. O harsh fortune! O Fates, breaking the wheels of
     my horses! O Pallas, how you have destroyed me!

     Strep. What evil, pray, has Tlepolemus  ever done you?

     Amyn. Do not jeer me, my friend; but order your son to
     pay me the money which he received; especially as I have
     been unfortunate.

     Strep. What money is this?

     Amyn. That which he borrowed.

     Strep. Then you were really unlucky, as I think.

     Amyn. By the gods, I fell while driving my horses.

     Strep. Why, pray, do you talk nonsense, as if you had
     fallen from an ass?

     Amyn. Do I talk nonsense if I wish to recover my money?

     Strep. You can't be in your senses yourself.

     Amyn. Why, pray?

     Strep. You appear to me to have had your brains shaken
     as it were.

     Amyn. And you appear to me, by Hermes, to be going to be
     summoned, if you will not pay me the money?

     Strep. Tell me now, whether you think that Jupiter
     always rains fresh rain on each occasion, or that the
     sun draws from below the same water back again?

     Amyn. I know not which; nor do I care.

     Strep. How then is it just that you should recover your
     money, if you know nothing of meteorological matters?

     Amyn. Well, if you are in want, pay me the interest of
     my money.

     Strep. What sort of animal is this interest?

     Amyn. Most assuredly the money is always becoming more
     and more every month and every day as the time slips
     away.

     Strep. You say well. What then? Is it possible that you
     consider the sea to be greater now than formerly?

     Amyn. No, by Jupiter, but equal; for it is not fitting
     that it should be greater.

     Strep. And how then, you wretch does this become no way
     greater, though the rivers flow into it, while you seek
     to increase your money? Will you not take yourself off
     from my house? Bring me the goad.

     [Enter Servant with a goad.]

      Amyn. I call you to witness these things.

     Strep. (beating him). Go! Why do you delay? Won't you
     march, Mr. Blood-horse?

     Amyn. Is not this an insult, pray?

     Strep. Will you move quickly?

      [Pricks him behind with the goad.]

     I'll lay on you, goading you behind, you outrigger? Do
     you fly?

     [Amynias runs off.]

     I thought I should stir you, together with your wheels
     and your two-horse chariots.

     [Exit Strepsiades.]

     Cho. What a thing it is to love evil courses! For this
     old man, having loved them, wishes to withhold the money
     that he borrowed. And he will certainly meet with
     something today, which will perhaps cause this sophist
     to suddenly receive some misfortune, in return for the
     knaveries he has begun. For I think that he will
     presently find what has been long boiling up, that his
     son is skilful to speak opinions opposed to justice, so
     as to overcome all with whomsoever he holds converse,
     even if he advance most villainous doctrines; and
     perhaps, perhaps his father will wish that he were even
     speechless.

     Strep. (running out of the house pursued by his son)
     Hollo! Hollo! O neighbours, and kinsfolk, and
     fellow-tribesmen, defend me, by all means, who am being
     beaten! Ah me, unhappy man, for my head and jaw! Wretch!
     Do you beat your father?

     Phid. Yes, father.

     Strep. You see him owning that he beats me.

     Phid. Certainly.

     Strep. O wretch, and parricide, and house-breaker!

     Phid. Say the same things of me again, and more. Do you
     know that I take pleasure in being much abused?

     Strep. You blackguard!

     Phid. Sprinkle me with roses in abundance.

     Strep. Do you beat your father?

     Phid. And will prove too, by Jupiter! that I beat you
     with justice.

     Strep. O thou most rascally! Why, how can it be just to
     beat a father?

     Phid. I will demonstrate it, and will overcome you in
     argument.

     Strep. Will you overcome me in this?

     Phid. Yea, by much and easily. But choose which of the
     two Causes you wish to speak.

     Strep. Of what two Causes?

     Phid. The better, or the worse?

     Strep. Marry, I did get you taught to speak against
     justice, by Jupiter, my friend, if you are going to
     persuade me of this, that it is just and honourable for
     a father to be beaten by his sons!

     Phid. I think I shall certainly persuade you; so that,
     when you have heard, not even you yourself will say
     anything against it.

     Strep. Well, now, I am willing to hear what you have to
     say.

     Cho. It is your business, old man, to consider in what
     way you shall conquer the man; for if he were not
     relying upon something, he would not be so licentious.
     But he is emboldened by something; the boldness of the
     man is evident. Now you ought to tell to the Chorus from
     what the contention first arose. And this you must do by
     all means.

     Strep. Well, now, I will tell you from what we first
     began to rail at one another. After we had feasted, as
     you know, I first bade him take a lyre, and sing a song
     of Simonides, "The Shearing of the Ram."  But he
     immediately said it was old-fashioned to play on the
     lyre and sing while drinking, like a woman grinding
     parched barley.

     Phid. For ought you not then immediately to be beaten
     and trampled on, bidding me sing, just as if you were
     entertaining cicadae?

     Strep. He expressed, however, such opinions then too
     within, as he does now; and he asserted that Simonides
     was a bad poet. I bore it at first, with difficulty
     indeed, yet nevertheless I bore it. And then I bade him
     at least take a myrtle-wreath and recite to me some
     portion of Aeschylus; and then he immediately said,
     "Shall I consider Aeschylus the first among the poets,
     full of empty sound, unpolished, bombastic, using rugged
     words?" And hereupon you can't think how my heart
     panted. But, nevertheless, I restrained my passion, and
     said, "At least recite some passage of the more modern
     poets, of whatever kind these clever things be." And he
     immediately sang a passage of Euripides, how a brother,
     O averter of ill! Debauched his uterine sister. And I
     bore it no longer, but immediately assailed him with
     many abusive reproaches. And then, after that, as was
     natural, we hurled word upon word. Then he springs upon
     me; and then he was wounding me, and beating me, and
     throttling me.

     Phid. Were you not therefore justly beaten, who do not
     praise Euripides, the wisest of poets?

     Strep. He the wisest! Oh, what shall I call you? But I
     shall be beaten again.

     Phid. Yes, by Jupiter, with justice?

     Strep. Why, how with justice? Who, O shameless fellow,
     reared you, understanding all your wishes, when you
     lisped what you meant? If you said bryn, I,
     understanding it, used to give you to drink. And when
     you asked for mamman, I used to come to you with bread.
     And you used no sooner to say caccan, than I used to
     take and carry you out of doors, and hold you before me.
     But you now, throttling me who was bawling and crying
     out because I wanted to ease myself, had not the heart
     to carry me forth out of doors, you wretch; but I did it
     there while I was being throttled.

     Cho. I fancy the hearts of the youths are panting to
     hear what he will say. For if, after having done such
     things, he shall persuade him by speaking, I would not
     take the hide of the old folks, even at the price of a
     chick-pea. It is thy business, thou author and upheaver
     of new words, to seek some means of persuasion, so that
     you shall seem to speak justly.

     Phid. How pleasant it is to be acquainted with new and
     clever things, and to be able to despise the established
     laws! For I, when I applied my mind to horsemanship
     alone, used not to be able to utter three words before I
     made a mistake; but now, since he himself has made me
     cease from these pursuits, and I am acquainted with
     subtle thoughts, and arguments, and speculations, I
     think I shall demonstrate that it is just to chastise
     one's father.

     Strep. Ride, then, by Jupiter! Since it is better for me
     to keep a team of four horses than to be killed with a
     beating.

     Phid. I will pass over to that part of my discourse
     where you interrupted me; and first I will ask you this:
     Did you beat me when I was a boy?

     Strep. I did, through good-will and concern for you.

     Phid. Pray tell me, is it not just that I also should be
     well inclined toward you in the same way, and beat you,
     since this is to be well inclined-to give a beating? For
     why ought your body to be exempt from blows and mine
     not? And yet I too was born free. The boys weep, and do
     you not think it is right that a father should weep? You
     will say that it is ordained by law that this should be
     the lot of boys. But I would reply, that old men are
     boys twice over, and that it is the more reasonable that
     the old should weep than the young, inasmuch as it is
     less just that they should err.

     Strep. It is nowhere ordained by law that a father
     should suffer this.

     Phid. Was it not then a man like you and me, who first
     proposed this law, and by speaking persuaded the
     ancients? Why then is it less lawful for me also in turn
     to propose henceforth a new law for the sons, that they
     should beat their fathers in turn? But as many blows as
     we received before the law was made, we remit: and we
     concede to them our having been thrashed without return.
     Observe the cocks and these other animals, how they
     punish their fathers; and yet, in what do they differ
     from us, except that they do not write decrees?

     Strep. Why then, since you imitate the cocks in all
     things, do you not both eat dung and sleep on a perch?

     Phid. It is not the same thing, my friend; nor would it
     appear so to Socrates.

     Strep. Therefore do not beat me; otherwise you will one
     day blame yourself.

     Phid. Why, how?

     Strep. Since I am justly entitled to chastise you; and
     you to chastise your son, if you should have one.

     Phid. But if I should not have one, I shall have wept
     for nothing, and you will die laughing at me.

     Strep. To me, indeed, O comrades, he seems to speak
     justly; and I think we ought to concede to them what is
     fitting. For it is proper that we should weep, if we do
     not act justly.

     Phid. Consider still another maxim.

     Strep. No; for I shall perish if I do.

     Phid. And yet perhaps you will not be vexed at suffering
     what you now suffer.

     Strep. How, pray? For inform me what good you will do me
     by this.

     Phid. I will beat my mother, just as I have you.

     Strep. What do you say? What do you say? This other,
     again, is a greater wickedness.

     Phid. But what if, having the worst Cause, I shall
     conquer you in arguing, proving that it is right to beat
     one's mother?

     Strep. Most assuredly, if you do this, nothing will
     hinder you from casting yourself and your Worse Cause
     into the pit along with Socrates. These evils have I
     suffered through you, O Clouds! Having intrusted all my
     affairs to you.

     Cho. Nay, rather, you are yourself  the cause of these
     things, having turned yourself to wicked courses.

     Strep. Why, pray, did you not tell me this, then, but
     excited with hopes a rustic and aged man?

     Cho. We always do this to him whom we perceive to be a
     lover of wicked courses, until we precipitate him into
     misfortune, so that he may learn to fear the gods.

     Strep. Ah me! it is severe, O Clouds! But it is just;
     for I ought not to have withheld the money which I
     borrowed. Now, therefore, come with me, my dearest son,
     that you may destroy the blackguard Chaerephon and
     Socrates, who deceived you and me.

     Phid. I will not injure my teachers.

     Strep. Yes, yes, reverence Paternal Jove.

     Phid. "Paternal Jove" quoth'a! How antiquated you are!
     Why, is there any Jove?

     Strep. There is.

     Phid. There is not, no; for Vortex reigns having
     expelled Jupiter.

     Strep. He has not expelled him; but I fancied this, on
     account of this Vortex here. Ah me, unhappy man! When I
     even took you who are of earthenware for a god.

     Phid. Here rave and babble to yourself.

     [Exit Phidippides]

     Strep. Ah me, what madness! How mad, then, I was when I
     ejected the gods on account of Socrates! But O dear
     Hermes, by no means be wroth with me, nor destroy me;
     but pardon me, since I have gone crazy through prating.
     And become my adviser, whether I shall bring an action
     and prosecute them, or whatever you think. You advise me
     rightly, not permitting me to get up a lawsuit, but as
     soon as possible to set fire to the house of the prating
     fellows. Come hither, come hither, Xanthias! Come forth
     with a ladder and with a mattock and then mount upon the
     thinking-shop and dig down the roof, if you love your
     master, until you tumble the house upon them.

     [Xanthias mounts upon the roof]

     But let some one bring me a lighted torch and I'll make
     some of them this day suffer punishment, even if they be
     ever so much impostors.

     1st Dis. (from within) Hollo! Hollo!

     Strep. It is your business, O torch, to send forth
     abundant flame.

     [Mounts upon the roof]

     1st Dis. What are you doing, fellow?

     Strep. What am I doing? Why, what else, than chopping
     logic with the beams of your house?

     [Sets the house on fire]

     2nd Dis. (from within) You will destroy us! You will
     destroy us!

     Strep. For I also wish this very thing; unless my
     mattock deceive my hopes, or I should somehow fall first
     and break my neck.

     Soc. (from within). Hollo you! What are you doing, pray,
     you fellow on the roof?

     Strep. I am walking on air, and speculating about the
     sun.

     Soc. Ah me, unhappy! I shall be suffocated, wretched
     man!

     Chaer. And I, miserable man, shall be burnt to death!

     Strep. For what has come into your heads that you acted
     insolently toward the gods, and pried into the seat of
     the moon? Chase, pelt, smite them, for many reasons, but
     especially because you know that they offended against
     the gods!

     [The thinking shop is burned down]

     Cho. Lead the way out; for we have sufficiently acted as
     chorus for today.

     [Exeunt omnes]