The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Parody on Princess Ida, by D. Dalziel.

HILDERBRANDT—No sign of Gama yet? The regular train from Castle Adamant came in exactly on time, some fifteen minutes since. I will here in parenthesis remark, that all trains on the Alton Road invariably do come in on time. I saw it from my castle window; four sleepers, two drawing-room cars, a dining car, three reclining-chair cars and five coaches.

FLORIAN—Your liege forgets that you placed a “special” at his disposal, but still he should be here.

HILD.—’Tis true, but still it’s very odd. But, if Gama fails to put in an appearance at the Court before the sun sets, accompanied by his daughter, to whom our son was betrothed at the extreme age of one, then there will be war between Gama and ourselves. ( Aside. ) I dread this greeting. When last I saw Gama, twenty years ago, he was a fretful, twisted monster, with a tongue as bitter as the agents of our rival lines.

FLORIAN—( Who has been looking attentively down the track with his glasses. ) But stay! I see the smoke of an approaching train. I even hear the music of its wheels, as they fly like magic o’er the glittering rails. Already it is at the station. From a private car I see somebody; guards descend, and now a bent and crippled form of human shape. It must be Gama.

HILD.—Who can tell! I’ve heard that she is a whimsical sort of girl. But come! Bustle up there. Let everything be prepared. The costliest of dinners, the meanest of prison fares; the richest room in the palace, the deepest dungeon, too. For as King Gama brings his daughter, or brings her not, so shall he be treated.

( Enter Prince Hilarion , Knight of the Road, Grand Master of the United Order of Chicago and Alton Railroad Conductors, and an exquisite .)

HILARION—( Aside. ) To-day I meet my baby bride, to whom I was betrothed twenty years since. I have every confidence that my own accomplishments, and the influence of the line with which I am connected, will suffice to re-unite our bonds to-day. They are above par on the market. ( To Hild. ) Well, father, is there any news?

HILD.—King Gama has just arrived, and is now on his way here from our dépôt; but I fear without the Princess.

HILARION—Alas! I have heard strange stories of my bride. They tell me she has foresworn men—never having had anything to do with them she probably does not know what she loses. But they say she has shut herself up in the Castle Adamant accompanied by a number of devotees. It is strange, considering that she lives so near our line that the mere proximity of our Alton men has not had its usual influence before this.

REP. OF C. & A. R. R.—My liege, I beg to announce the coming of King Gama, preceded by his three royal sons.

ARAC—My liege, we beg to present our respects, and to thank you for our pleasant journey on your line. It is our unpleasant duty also to announce the coming of our Royal Father.

GAMA—So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad? Dame Rumor whispered that the place was on a par with everything connected with the Alton Line. Superb! Royal! Grand!

GAMA.—But she’s a liar. And this is your son! Dame Rumor also said he was the leader of fashions among the Alton employes, but he’s changed. He used to be a singularly handsome child.

HILD.—( Furious. ) Enough of this. Where is your daughter, whom on your plighted word should be here to-day?

GAMA—She would not be tempted. She hates railroad travelling. I don’t blame her. I tried to explain that a journey on the Alton was a delicious reverie set to music on wheels, but she was obdurate. She’s in Castle Adamant foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens fair, who think as she does.

GAMA—Not you! She and her companions will have nothing to do with anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast mail for Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut themselves in the basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of your Alton men may win her.

PRINCE HILARION—Well! I’ll try ( to Cyril and Florian ), and you shall accompany me. Come quick! Your satchel. We have just time to catch the fast train for Castle Adamant, and we will see whether the graces of one Alton man won’t change the tenor of these young ladies’ ideas. Quick! secure us berths. ( Exit officials. )

HILD.—Yes! and you, King Gama, and your baby boys shall remain here as hostages. ( Re-enter officials. ) Sorry to say, sir, that every berth in the five sleepers is taken. Nothing left to swing a duster in.

HILD.—Then take our special car ( exit officials to give orders ), and now, King Gama, a word to you. If aught befall the flower of this road, look out for your life. Take him to a cell and give him one of our time tables to pass away the time. ( Exit Gama and his three sons in chains. )

With the prince and his two friends checking their baggage and then to the gardens at Castle Adamant, a charming retreat on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad. In the distance can be seen the steel tracks of the Chicago and Alton Railroad glittering in the noonday sun. The air is calm and balmy, disturbed only by the occasional song of some bird, or the musical hum of a distant train on the Alton Line, as it whizzes with lightning speed along the track. The lady graduates of the Princess Ida’s seminary are on the scene, seated on the lawn at the feet of Lady Psyche.

LADY P.—Attention, ladies, while I read to you the list of punishments ordered by the Princess Ida. The first is Claire. She’s expelled.

LADY P.—Yes, expelled! Because, although she knows that no man of any kind may scale these walls, she brought a set of chessmen here. The next is May. She is also expelled for receiving letters.

LADY P.—It matters not, they came by mail. The next is Edith. She is also expelled for being found with a Chicago and Alton folder in her possession.

LADY P.—A young lady of this seminary is not allowed to harbor things that fold-her. The next is Blanche. She is also expelled for looking out of her window when the Chicago and Alton train was passing.

LADY P.—Enough! Looking out for sleepers is not a square game to play. Even horrid man condemns it. And now, young ladies, prepare yourselves, for your Princess Ida will be here directly to read you the lessons of the day.

IDA—Women of Adamant, gathered together for the noble purpose of shunning that vile creature known as man, listen while I a tale unfold. Our undertaking is a noble one. We, women assembled as we are in this retreat, know full well the uselessness of man. Let nothing tempt you from your path of sworn duty, and yet! methinks, the dangerous proximity of that horrid Alton road is a glittering temptation to some of your thoughtless heads. If by chance your eyes should light upon one of the creatures they call their officials, let not their gaudy tinsel turn your giddy brains. It is true that they dress with exquisite taste, that their manners are those which Lord Chesterfield so highly commended, that they belong to the only railroad corporation in the world which even I can look upon with feelings akin to admiration. It is true also—this fact I cannot deny—that the equipment of the Alton Line is as near perfection as human ingenuity can make it. That their train service is perfect, their cars superb, their track as smooth as the skin on my face, and that they run the only through train worth taking between Chicago and Kansas City, and all points West. I can say this fearlessly. Their tracks are but steel, their cars merely wood and metal, and we have nothing to fear from wood and metal. But beware of their officials. Do not be deceived into thinking that because a man is godlike in appearance, he is anything but a man after all. With all their grace, their outward charms and pleasing manners, these creatures would win your hearts, and wear them too, with all the assurance with which one of us would knock the top off an egg for breakfast. This much being said, I beg you to follow me to partake in the usual exercises of the day.

( Exit Princess, followed by the ladies of the seminary. The sound of an engine whistle is heard. Then enter Hilarion , Cyril and Florian at back, creeping cautiously. )

HILARION—Hush, scoffer! Despite the advantages of our remarkably excellent line, it is proper for you to remember that you can’t work off any tickets here in this college of learning. These ladies are going to do wonderful things, I am told. List to their intentions:

HILARION—And so here we are, in the breast of the citadel. Hallo! what’s this? ( Examining some robes left by the female graduates. ) Why! Academic robes, robes worn no doubt by some of the undergraduates. Here, you fellows! Put them on. ( They do so, and the robes reach to their feet. They look as any well-regulated Alton man looks in anything—extremely fetching. They burst out laughing. )

HILARION—Why, brave heart, my boy. Remember that you are an Alton man, and be brave. ( Enter Princess. ) He bows low. Madam, accept my humblest reverence.

HILARION—( bowing. ) We are three well-born maidens, ma’am! daughters of those who run the Alton line, who wish to join the University.

PRINCESS—You say you are the daughters of those who run the Alton Line. Well! You’ll find no comfort here. Your bed will be that of the humblest. No downy mattress, soft pillows, or the rock of a Pullman Palace Car to send you to sleep. Your fare will be plain and simple, your beverage nature’s stream. No dining-car lunches at seventy-five cents a meal, which ought to cost $2.00. No delicacies out of season, or fine wines iced, as you get on that line. Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them?

( Exit Princess. The men burst out laughing and do a bit of a breakdown. Lady Psyche enters back and looks at them with amazement. )

FLORIAN—( To Lady Psyche. ) Psyche! why don’t you know me, your brother, Florian?

PSYCHE—( Amazed. ) Florian. ( They embrace. ) What are you doing here? Oh, dear! You know it is death for any man to be found within these walls. How did you get here?

FLORIAN—By the ever reliable Chicago and Alton Railroad, of which I am a humble but devoted employe.

PSYCHE—Oh, dear! Then you are an Alton man ( looking at him with admiration ). I always thought you would be something great some day. But who are these?

HILARION—I am Prince Hilarion, of the Alton Line also. Your early playfellow, and the betrothed of your Princess.

PSYCHE—I might have known you were an Alton man. To imitate their bearing is impossible. Listen! and I will tell you the history of a man who once tried to rival a Chicago and Alton man:

( They do another breakdown, during which enter Princess at back. She looks on in amazement. )

PRINCESS—What is this? It seems to me that female garb become you ladies ill. I don’t think I ever saw a gentlewoman do a breakdown before.

HILARION—( Throws off his robe, and then throws himself at the feet of the Princess. ) ’Tis useless to dissemble farther. We are merely men. I am Prince Hilarion, your betrothed, and these two are my friends.

PRINCESS—( Screaming. ) Men! and Alton men at that! Ring the bell! Fire the alarm guns, and have the Army of Amazons take them to the most secret cells and annihilate them.

( Loud turmoil; enter all the girls running frightened. They catch sight of the three Alton men, and immediately fall prostrate at their feet and regard them with languishing eyes. )

PRINCESS—Summon my henchmen! ( They come. ) Seize and bind them. ( They do it. ) And now, adventurous men, much as I admire your shape and venerate the line you represent, you must die ( with emotion ). My principles must be observed. So take them off. ( Loud noise heard outside; enter girls running with fright. )

MELISSA—Princess! There is an armed force at the gates of the castle, just arrived by the St. Louis express and headed by King Hilderbrandt. They demand admittance.

( A loud crash is heard; enter King Hilderbrandt with his army of Chicago and Alton conductors, armed to the teeth. In the centre they drag Arac , Guron and Synthius , chained together. )

PRINCESS—( Irresolutely—the girls meanwhile look with loving eyes at the conductors. ) I still refuse!

PSYCHE—Madame! your father claims an audience; he has just followed King Hilderbrandt on the Denver Express.

GAMA—Free as a tethered ass. I dare not keep this up. I dare not face the malignity of this devil, Hilderbrandt.

PRINCESS—He has treated you well, father. Even a wretched man, when he belongs to the Alton Line, is always a gentleman.

GAMA—Yes! yes! But he has made my life a curse. Think of it, I had nothing whatever to grumble at.

GAMA—Yes, my child, and the only thing to do is to surrender. We must capitulate. I have often heard that opposition to the Alton line is futile, and now I know it.

PRINCESS—Hilarion, I surrender. My heart was with you long ago, but my principles forbade it. Take me.

HILDERBRANDT—Then we will have an impromptu wedding. Everybody who wants to marry everybody else can do so. ( The remark is a signal for every girl in the party to throw her arms around the neck of the nearest conductor. )

GAMA—And take my advice, make your wedding trip over the Chicago and Alton Line.

GAMA—Hereafter, consider Castle Adamant yours. You may make it a coupon station, if you please, and advertise it as a pleasure resort.

( The organ is heard; a procession formed, and the entire party indulge in an impromptu wedding, after which the Chicago and Alton train for Chicago is boarded, and everybody starts upon a trip, which cannot but bring them happiness. )

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA ***

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The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Parody on Princess Ida

A Parody on Princess Ida

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A Parody
on
Princess Ida