The Project Gutenberg eBook of "Wanted, a Young Lady" : A Farce, in One Act This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: "Wanted, a Young Lady" : A Farce, in One Act Author: William E. Suter Release date: October 8, 2015 [eBook #50153] Language: English Credits: Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available by the University of California, Davis, and with special thanks to the Victorian Plays Project. *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "WANTED, A YOUNG LADY" : A FARCE, IN ONE ACT *** Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available by the University of California, Davis, and with special thanks to the Victorian Plays Project. "WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"-- _A Farce_, IN ONE ACT. BY W. E. SUTER, AUTHOR OF The Pirates of the Savannah, Idiot of the Mountain, Syren of Paris, Angel of Midnight, Old House on the Bridge, Outlaw of the Adriatic, Sarah's Young Man, A Quiet Family, John Wopps, Rifle Volunteer, Brother Bill and Me, Highwayman's Holiday, Accusing Spirit, First Love, Our New Man, Fan-fan, the Tulip, &c., &c. THOMAS HAILES LACY, 89, STRAND, LONDON. "WANTED, A YOUNG LADY." _Characters._ ADELAIDE STIRLING (_First Comedy_) FRANK MITCHELL (_First Comedy_) SIMON SNOOZLE (_Low Comedy_) _Costumes._ FRANK. _First Dress_--Travelling suit. _Second_--Old lady's hood, silk gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. _Third_--Same as first. SIMON. _First Dress_--Half livery. _Second_--Velvet cap and silk dressing gown. ADELAIDE. _First Dress_--Travelling dress. _Second_--Silk bonnet, veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick. _Time in Representation_--40 _Minutes._ "WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"-- SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C.; door, R.; door L.; easy chairs; couch, L.; fire-place, R.; clock, C.; chairs, &c. table, R., on it a lighted lamp; closet at back, L._ SIMON. (_entering, door C._) Yes, yes, godfather, make your mind easy, you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (_advancing_) That's a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn't do it. (_looking at clock_) Seven o'clock! what a litter this room is in. (_placing chairs, &c._) And look here. (_indicating clothes scattered over an easy chair_) What's all this? Oh, old master's morning gown. (_places it in the closet_) I have an idea that this place of mine suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a year, and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red in this house. (_sits_) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable. FRANK. (_entering, C. door, a portmanteau in his hand_) I don't see a soul about. (_seeing SIMON_) Eh! halloa, my friend! (_shaking him_) What are you doing there? SIMON. (_all aback_) Me, sir! I--I'm a doing my work. FRANK. Doing what? SIMON. (_rising_) What do you please to want? FRANK. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell. SIMON. Oh! either of them would do, then? FRANK. (L. C.) Yes. SIMON. (R. C.) That's lucky, for they are both gone out. FRANK. Out! then I will await their return. SIMON. I don't think you will, sir. FRANK. How do you mean? SIMON. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days--and the same number of nights too, no doubt. FRANK. (_aside_) Pleasant information! all this distance from London, and not a shilling in my pocket. (_to SIMON_) Are you alone here? SIMON. Yes, I'm quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who lives at the bottom of the garden. FRANK. The surly old brute I met in the park? SIMON. Yes, that's godfather. FRANK. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation. (_offering portmanteau_) Go and prepare a chamber for me. SIMON. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on the other side of---- FRANK. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra----(_checking himself_) No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master's grandson. SIMON. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother. FRANK. For my brother Frank? SIMON. Yes, here it is. (_drawing a letter from his pocket_) I have been ordered to post it. FRANK. (_aside_) I know what are its contents--the old story--you are a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence. (_aloud, taking letter and putting it into his pocket_) All right, I will take care he has it. SIMON. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you are. FRANK. How did you learn that? SIMON. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters, for I am quite fresh, I am. FRANK. You are quite fresh! what do you mean? SIMON. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the old family coach; she had only just time to say, "Oh! this is the stupid animal you have told me about." You see, she is so old that she doesn't always know what she is talking about. FRANK. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning. But, as you say, she is rather old--eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled, I should think. SIMON. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the sun. FRANK. And my grandfather? SIMON. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven. FRANK. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very dull here, all by themselves. SIMON. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a lock-jaw; that's why they have just advertised in the papers for somebody to read to them. FRANK. Read to them! SIMON. Yes, a young lady. FRANK. (_quickly_) Ah, there is a young lady here? SIMON. No, sir, she hasn't come yet. FRANK. What a pity! SIMON. And they won't want a young lady now they have engaged me. FRANK. (_laughing_) But you are not a young lady. SIMON. No, and I can't read, but---- FRANK. Idiot! go and prepare my chamber. SIMON. (_going, L._) Yes, Master Harry. FRANK. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry? SIMON. I saw the plate chest there; but I'll go and see, Master Harry. Ah! if you were Mr. Frank. FRANK. Well? SIMON. I shouldn't be able to find anything. (_confidentially_) Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot; old folks won't have him at any price. FRANK. (_aside_) I know it but too well. (_aloud_) You will find some cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got the keys of the cellar? SIMON. Yes, sir. FRANK. Then bring me some champagne. SIMON. I will. (_aside_) He'll help me, I can see, to redden my nose! _Exit, with portmanteau, door, L._ FRANK. Have I done well to present myself here under my brother's name, because I know their great preference for him, and that they treat me like a Cinderella of the male sex. This is the way I discovered that I was no favourite; one day I wrote to them for money, and didn't get it: while Harry, who had also written for some, did: then I questioned myself as to what I had done, and as to what I had not done. I said to myself, it is nearly twelve years since Harry and I quitted the old people; we are of the same figure, considerably resemble each other; I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who is nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so I will go to them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my willingness to receive as much money as they choose to give me; if my brother were to write I should be there to suppress his letters. Wasn't that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably clever; that will teach parents to have a preference, to all respectable grandfathers one grandson is as good as another. _Enter ADELAIDE, door, C., a cloak over her arm, a small carpet bag in her hand._ ADELAIDE. Mrs. Mitchell, if you please, sir. FRANK. (L. C.) Yes, this is her house, but she is gone from home for nine or ten days. ADELA. (R. C.) How unfortunate! And Mr. Mitchell? FRANK. That's me. I am Mr. Mitchell; Fra----I mean Harry Mitchell. ADELA. (_aside_) Harry! It is he! FRANK. Will you have the goodness to take a seat? ADELA. I thank you. But the Mr. Mitchell of whom I asked you is the husband of Mrs. Mitchell, and I do not suppose that---- FRANK. No, certainly; I have not married my grandmother, that sort of thing is not allowed, you know. (_aside_) She is deucedly pretty. (_aloud_) Will you have the goodness to take a seat? ADELA. Then your grandfather is also absent. FRANK. For nine or ten days. I am quite alone here, but that makes no difference. (_again offering chair_) Will you have the goodness to---- ADELA. No, thank you. I believe I cannot do better than make my way back to the railway station, and return to London. (_going up_) FRANK. (_following and bringing her back_) But, excuse me, may I be allowed to enquire---- ADELA. I believed I had been recommended to them by Mr. Dunstable, as a companion to---- FRANK. Certainly, quite correct. (_aside_) She mustn't go, I want a companion, dreadfully. (_aloud_) They are expecting you, madam, very impatiently, I assure you! ADELA. Well, but, since they are not at home---- FRANK. Certainly, will you allow me to--(_he takes her cloak and carpet bag_) They are in the park, they take a little walk there every evening, but they will be back directly; will you have the goodness to-- (_taking a chair and seating himself close beside her_) ADELA. (_shifting her chair, aside_) This Mr. Harry is very forward. (_aloud_) And you think, sir, that I shall suit your grandmother? FRANK. Certainly, you will suit her nicely--and you will suit my grandmother capitally--and you will suit my grandfather capitally--and you suit me beautifully--and you will suit my brother deli---- ADELA. Ah, you have a brother? FRANK. Yes, Harry--hem, no--I mean, Frank--I am Harry. ADELA. But, according to what Mr. Dunstable told me, one of you is a very bad fellow. FRANK. It isn't me; I assure you, it's my brother. ADELA. Are you quite certain? FRANK. Quite certain that I am not my brother--oh, yes. But, after all, Frank is really a capital fellow; he is, I assure you, I like him very much; I do, indeed--may have been a little wild, but---- ADELA. Pardon me, sir, but your grandmother does not return. FRANK. She is taking a little walk in the park, and perhaps her corns are troublesome--she has several, besides two or three bunions! but perhaps she has come in and gone to bed--she is subject to--to--to the whooping cough---- ADELA. The what, sir? FRANK. (_aside_) Confound it! I can't think of--(_aloud_) I mean the gout--and she always goes to bed early when--but you will see her to-morrow. ADELA. (_taking her portmanteau from FRANK'S hand_) To-morrow? in that case I will go to the Golden Lion Hotel, which is near the railway station. FRANK. (_again taking portmanteau from her hand_) No, no--grandmother would be so angry--she has caused a chamber to be prepared for you. ADELA. Indeed! FRANK. Yes, and supper, for she thought you would arrive late. _Enter SIMON, L. door._ SIMON. The chamber is ready, sir. FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) There, you hear! what did I tell you? (_to SIMON_) Very well. SIMON. (_L., aside_) Eh? that woman is a female! FRANK. (_to SIMON_) And the supper? ADELA. Thank you, but I am not hungry. SIMON. The supper is ready, too. (_aside to FRANK_) But, sir-- FRANK. (_giving him a sly kick_) Be quiet! ADELA. (_taking her cloak and portmanteau from FRANK_) I will go to my apartment. (_L., to SIMON_) I beg you will let me know immediately that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell have returned from their walk? SIMON. (_C., astonished_) Eh, returned from their walk? FRANK. (_kicking as before, and crossing to L. C._) Hold your tongue. (_to ADELAIDE_) Oh, yes, directly they return, you may depend on that. _Exit ADELAIDE, L. door._ SIMON. (R. C.) But, sir, if that young lady is going to wait till the old people return---- FRANK. (C.) Hold your tongue. (_aside_) She mustn't go, she is a charming creature, and I have fallen head over ears in love with her--she, the companion of a couple of old fogies--I mean, my honoured grand-parents. (_aloud_) Simon! SIMON. Sir! FRANK. I want my grandfather's morning gown. SIMON. His morning gown? FRANK. Yes; don't say he doesn't wear one, all old fogies--grandfathers, I mean--wear a morning gown. SIMON. (_going to closet_) Very well, sir. (_bringing morning gown forward_) Here it is, sir! FRANK. Very well! try it on directly. SIMON. Me? FRANK. Yes, you--make haste! SIMON. (_putting on morning gown_) Perhaps you are going to make me a present of one like it, and want to see if it will fit. FRANK. Perhaps. SIMON. I'd rather have a coat, with nice long tails. FRANK. (_hunting in closet_) Here, now put on this cap. (_giving him morning cap_) SIMON. Well, but---- FRANK. No observations; put the cap on, or I discharge you. (_pulls the cap down over SIMON'S eyes_) SIMON. Don't--I will! FRANK. Now, muffle your face up--good--turn about, walk, not like that, stoop--bend your back--that's it! Now, where is grandmother's chamber? (_seeing ADELAIDE--who enters, door, L._) Hush! here she is! SIMON. (_R. C.--frightened_) Your grandmother? FRANK. (C.) Don't stir! ADELA. (_aside_) I know not why, but I felt frightened while in that great apartment. (_seeing SIMON_) Ah! FRANK. Miss--hem--miss--ah! here is my grandfather, he has just returned---- SIMON. (_aside--looking about_) His grandfather, where is he? ADELA. (_L. C.--curtseying_) Sir! FRANK. (_making signs to SIMON_) Grandfather, this is the companion of whom I have just told you. SIMON. (_astonished--to FRANK_) What, me! FRANK. (_aside--to him_) Hold your tongue, or I'll break your back. (_shouting_) The female companion. (_to ADELAIDE_) He is dreadfully deaf; but that is not astonishing at his age--ninety-three--yes, I assure you, he is ninety-three! SIMON. Oh! really, sir---- FRANK. Hold your tongue, or be killed! (_shouting_) You are very tired, sit down, dear grandfather. (_to ADELAIDE_) The very shortest walk fatigues him, and no wonder, for as I said before, he is ninety-seven, and--(_pushing SIMON violently into easy chair_) Sit down, dear grandfather! (_aside to him_) Sit down, you brute, and say your wife will be back directly! SIMON. (_astonished_) My wife will be back directly. FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back directly. ADELA. Very well, sir; I will wait. FRANK. She is still in the park--grandfather's legs are so weak--to say nothing that he has the rheumatism; but, you know, an old soldier---- SIMON. (_aside_) Now I am an old soldier! ADELA. Ah! your grandfather has served in---- FRANK. Certainly! (_to SIMON_) Grandfather, the young lady asks if you have served. (_aside--to him_) Why don't you answer? SIMON. Oh! yes, yes! I'm in service now! FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) You jackass! ADELA. What did he say? FRANK. Oh! nothing--don't mind him--he isn't always quite right in his head--rather idiotic sometimes. ADELA. Poor old gentleman. SIMON. (_aside_) Now I'm an idiot! FRANK. His great age, as I said before, ninety-nine, you know! (_to SIMON_) As you say that grandmother is on her way home, you had better go and meet her. ADELA. How! fatigued as he is, and at his age to go alone---- FRANK. Exactly! Surely, at his age, he is old enough to go alone! ADELA. No, no; go you, and I will stay here and bear your grandfather company. FRANK. (_aside_) The devil! leave them together. (_aloud_) Why, you see---- ADELA. I entreat you, the air is so chilly, and as he is suffering with the rheumatism---- FRANK. Ah, true! (_shouting to SIMON_) Don't stir! this young lady will keep you company---- SIMON. (_aside to FRANK_) And I shouldn't at all mind keeping company with her. FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) Must I murder you? SIMON. No, you mustn't. FRANK. (_aside to him_) Mind that to everything she says, you answer only, "My wife will be back directly." SIMON. Yes, sir. FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) Now I'm off to fetch grandmother. _Exit, C. door._ ADELA. (_looking after FRANK_) That, then, is the Mr. Harry of whom I have heard so much from my sister. He is not at all bad-looking; but with all his good looks, he is a very worthless fellow. SIMON. (_coughing_) Hum! hum! ADELA. Oh! I was quite forgetting the old gentleman. (_going to SIMON_) There, place your feet on that. (_giving him a footstool_) Now, are you comfortable? SIMON. My wife will be back directly. ADELA. You are not cold? SIMON. (_taking a pinch of snuff_) My wife will be back directly. ADELA. There is a draught from this side--ah! this cushion. (_places a cushion at his back_) SIMON. (_aside_) Isn't she tucking me up nicely! it's rather pleasant to be old--atchieu! (_sneezing_) ADELA. Heaven bless you! SIMON. My wife will be back directly. ADELA. He is deaf as a post. (_to herself_) Yes, Mr. Harry is a scamp: but luckily, we had for neighbour that good man, Mr. Dunstable. (_shouting to SIMON_) Your friend Dunstable. SIMON. My wife will be---- ADELA. (_interrupting him_) Yes, yes, I know! And when he learned Mr. Harry's conduct to my dear sister Jane, the idea occurred to him to send me here as a companion to--"Go to their house," he said, "you will see Mrs. Mitchell, not her husband, he----" SIMON. My wife will be---- ADELA. (_turning towards SIMON_) "He counts for nothing, but his wife----" SIMON. Back directly. ADELA. "You will tell her all, and I have no doubt she will arrange the marriage, and----" SIMON. (_aside_) What is she going on about? (_aloud_) Hem! hem! ADELA. Did you speak? SIMON. My wife will be back directly. ADELA. Poor old gentleman! his intellect appears quite shattered. (_shouting_) I suppose you retire to rest very early? SIMON. My wife will be back directly. FRANK. (_without, in an assumed voice_) Very well, I shall find her. ADELA. That voice! Mrs. Mitchell, no doubt. SIMON. (_aside, frightened_) Grandmother! then I'm booked! (_about to bolt off, R. door, is met by FRANK, who enters, C. door, dressed as an old lady_) FRANK. (_stopping SIMON_) Eh! where are you hobbling to? (_aside to SIMON, in natural voice_) If you don't keep still---- SIMON. (_R., aside, amazed_) Eh! Mr. Harry! ADELA. (_L., curtseying_) Madam---- FRANK. (_C., to ADELAIDE_) Ah! there you are, little darling; my grandson told me just now that---- SIMON. (_sinking again into easy chair, R. C._) My wife will be back directly. ADELA. I am sorry, madam, to have interrupted your walk. FRANK. I was coming home, for the dew is beginning to fall. SIMON. (_aside_) I wish my wages were falling due--I can't stand this. FRANK. (_patting ADELAIDE'S cheeks_) Ah! what a pretty little creature--ah! what is your name, poppet? ADELA. Adelaide. FRANK. Ah! my name is Selina Matilda. You found Mr. Mitchell very dull company, didn't you? Wait a minute--I'll send him to bed. (_shouting_) Philomel! Philomel! (_aside to SIMON, and giving him a sly punch_) Why don't you answer, you brute? SIMON. Oh, is that me? FRANK. Go to bed, my cherished love. (_aside to him_) Be off, you beast! (_aloud_) I will assist you as far as your chamber. Come, dear love. (_raising SIMON from chair_) SIMON. (_aside to him_) Do you mean it? FRANK. Of course I do. (_kicking him slyly_) Idiot! SIMON. Oh! I say, that hurts, you know. FRANK. (_leading him towards door, R._) Come, cherished husband of my youth--worshipped of my old age. (_seeing ADELAIDE is not looking_) Get out, you hippopotamus! (_giving him a violent kick and bundling him off violently, door, R._) ADELA. (_turning at the noise_) What was that? FRANK. Nothing--my poor husband knocked his head against the door post, that's all. (_aside_) What a charming little creature she is! Now, tell me, my love, who sent you here? ADELA. Oh, you know perfectly well, your friend, Mr. Dunstable. FRANK. Ah, to be sure. I hope Mr. Constable is quite well. ADELA. Dunstable--yes, madam. FRANK. And his wife? ADELA. His wife! Why he has been a widower for the last fifteen years. FRANK. (_aside_) Phew! (_aloud_) Ah, to be sure, she is dead, then she is quite well. (_singing_) When we are dead it's for a long time, Says the old adage with wisdom rife; When we are dead it's for a long time, And we're cured of the tooth-ache for all our life. (_laughing_) He, he, he! you will soon see, my dear, that I am a very gay old lady. ADELA. I see that already! FRANK. My duck, I suppose you have a sweetheart? ADELA. A sweetheart? FRANK. You needn't mind telling me, I'm an old woman, you know; you are young and pretty. Ah, when I was your age, I pledge you my word I was a beauty. ADELA. No doubt of it, madam. FRANK. Ah, on the day of my marriage with Mr. Mitchell--and that reminds me, I want my supper. ADELA. The table is already laid yonder. I will bring it to this room. _Exit, door, L._ FRANK. Wait for me, my love; I'll assist you. (_toddles to door, L., and he and ADELAIDE bring on table ready served; they place the table, C., and sit; ADELAIDE is moving the lamp nearer to FRANK_) FRANK. (_R. of table_) No, no, don't do that, my dear, my eyes are so weak; why here is only one plate and knife and fork. ADELA. (_L. of table_) It doesn't matter, I have no appetite. FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) But a glass of wine---- ADELA. No, thank you. FRANK. I must. (_drinks_) I require several glasses to cheer the cockles of my aged heart. (_fills again and drinks_) ADELA. (_aside_) What a strange old lady. (_aloud, seeing them on table_) Eh! a pipe and tobacco! FRANK. Yes, my love; my medical man orders me to smoke, because my poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_) But if you object---- ADELA. Oh, dear, no; not at all. FRANK. (_lighting his pipe and smoking_) Ah, it's a great comfort for an aged creetur! (_rising_) Come here, my love. ADELA. (_rising and going to him_) Yes, madam. FRANK. I like you, my dear, and I'll be a mother to you--kiss me, my darling. (_putting his arm round her waist and kissing her_) ADELA. (_starting_) Eh? FRANK. What's the matter? ADELA. (_hesitating, and rubbing her cheek_) 'Tis very strange, but---- FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, I forgot I hadn't shaved to-day. ADELA. One would really think--oh, how you open your eyes and stare---- FRANK. (_resuming his natural voice_) The better to see you with, my dear. ADELA. (_frightened_) That voice! FRANK. The better to tell you that I love you--my dear-- ADELA. A man! who are you? FRANK. One who adores you! I am Frank--I mean Harry Mitchell. (_advancing to her, she eludes him and runs over to R._) ADELA. Oh, wretch, villain! oh, oh, oh! I am very ill--oh, oh! (_falls into chair_) FRANK. (_running about_) Oh, curse it! here's a mess I've made of it. ADELA. Oh, oh! FRANK. What must I do?--bite her finger, I suppose! ADELA. Oh, salts, vinegar! FRANK. Yes, yes--oh, I wonder where grandmother keeps her salt and vinegar! _Runs off, L. door--ADELAIDE jumps up, runs to the door and bolts it behind him--SIMON enters, R. door, tipsy, a bottle in his hand, and still wearing the morning gown and cap._ SIMON. (_singing_) Grief is a folly, We'll sing and be jolly! ADELA. Mr. Mitchell, in that dreadful state! SIMON. Where are you, Mr. Sir? it's me, Simon--you must wait upon yourself--I'm going to bed. ADELA. (_aside_) Simon! the servant, ah, I understand. (_aloud, to SIMON_) Oh, it is you, is it? SIMON. (_aside_) The young lady! (_dropping into easy chair and acting the old man again_) My wife will be back directly-- ADELA. (_pulling him from chair_) Yes; and Mr. Mitchell will also be back directly. SIMON. (_frightened and placing the bottle on easy chair_) Mr. Mitchell! ADELA. (C.) And I will tell him all! SIMON. (_on his knees_) Don't! I shall lose my place, before I have had time to redden my nose--'tisn't my fault--it's the keys of the cellar did it--and Mr. Harry---- ADELA. It was he who made you thus disguise yourself--confess and I forgive you! SIMON. (_rising_) Yes; he arrived this evening, on a visit to his grandfather and grandmother, whom he hasn't seen for twelve years; and as they went away this morning---- ADELA. He hasn't encountered them? SIMON. How was he to do it, I should like to know. ADELA. And you say that 'tis twelve years since---- SIMON. Yes! ADELA. 'Tis well! now you go to the park gate, and you will ring as if your mistress had returned. SIMON. My wife will be back directly--but as she is gone away---- ADELA. No matter; obey me, or I tell all. (_door, L., is violently shaken_) There he is--open yonder door--now, Mr. Harry, we shall see! (_runs off, door, R.--shaking at door, L., continues_) SIMON. (_staggering across_) Don't be in a hurry--don't be in a hurry! (_unbolts door, L.--FRANK darts on with scent bottle, which he rams against SIMON'S nose_) FRANK. Sniff--sniff! and then swallow it--eh? (_looking round_) Where is she? SIMON. Here I am, sir. FRANK. (_crossing to R._) The young lady that I left here fainting. SIMON. (_looking round_) Eh? yes, she _is_ gone. FRANK. (_trying R. door_) Fastened! (_looking at SIMON_) Go to bed, wretch! (_placing scent bottle on table_) SIMON. (_taking cushion from easy chair_) Let me get my pillow. FRANK. Horribly drunk! SIMON. I was just now, but it's evaporating. FRANK. Go out into the air. SIMON. (_going_) Yes, I'll go to the park gate, and go to bed. FRANK. Be off! SIMON. (_returning_) Stop a bit--I haven't got my nightcap. (_takes bottle from easy chair_) FRANK. (_pushing him off_) Begone, drunken brute! _SIMON goes off, C. door, carrying cushion and bottle._ I have behaved like a ruffian to that charming creature--I must obtain her forgiveness, for I doat upon her--never was in love before, and the novel sensation is so delightful that--(_tapping at R. door_) Adelaide--Miss Adelaide--charming Adelaide! if you would but pardon me--if you would but hear me! (_gate bell rings without_) What's that about at this time of night? Oh! it's that idiot Simon; he said he was going to the park gates. Luckily there is no one to be disturbed here. _ADELAIDE enters, C. door, as an old lady._ ADELA. No, no, I don't want anybody to accompany me. FRANK. (_turning_) Who's that? ADELA. (_aside_) You will know presently. (_aloud_) Eh! a woman! what do you want here? who are you? FRANK. For that matter, ma'am, who are you? ADELA. Who am I! you ask me that! Don't you know I am the mistress of this house? FRANK. (_aside_) My grandmother--phew! I should never have known her. ADELA. And I should be glad to know what you are doing in my house at this hour of the night. FRANK. (R. C.) Well, the fact is--(_aside_) The devil, though, I can't tell her in this dress that I am her grandson. ADELA. (_going up_) If you don't answer, I shall call Simon to bundle you out. FRANK. (_aside_) Ah! (_aloud_) I am the companion. ADELA. You a companion at your age? FRANK. Yes, ma'am, I am a widow. ADELA. But Dunstable wrote to me that she was young and pretty; and you are as old as the hills. FRANK. Oh, no! but I have seen so much trouble. ADELA. And you are ugly--downright ugly. FRANK. Well, beauty is all a matter of opinion. ADELA. And look here, what is this? (_taking FRANK by the arm and making him pass before her_) Wine, cigars, a pipe, in my house! gracious goodness! FRANK. (L. C.) I was going to tell you--it's your grandson. ADELA. (R. C.) My grandson? FRANK. Yes, Harry--he is here--and the pipe-- (_aside_) I shall bolt. (_aloud_) I will inform him of your arrival. ADELA. (_clutching his arm_) No, never mind, I shall see him to-morrow. (_looking at him and starting_) Why, can I believe my eyes? that's one of my gowns you have on. FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, lord! ADELA. And that is my bonnet. FRANK. I'll tell you how it happened---- ADELA. And that mantle is mine, too. FRANK. Well, as to the mantle---- ADELA. You are a pretty companion--you are a thief. FRANK. A thief! ADELA. Yes, one of the female swell mob. I'll send Simon for the police. _FRANK runs off, C. door._ (_laughing_) Now, Mr. Harry, I think we are equal. It is too late to-night to go to the Golden Lion; so I will stay here, retain this costume, and---- FRANK. (_without_) My grandmother arrived! ADELA. Ah! he is returning. I did not bargain for that. (_going over to L._) But he will not suspect, and---- FRANK. (_running on, door C._) Grandmother, grandmother, embrace your little grandson--let me kiss you, grandmother! ADELA. (_retreating_) No, no, certainly not. FRANK. Then you no longer love your little grandson? ADELA. You are a wicked boy. FRANK. Oh, grandmother! ADELA. Poor Jane! FRANK. (_aside_) Who is she, I wonder? ADELA. After having been so long engaged to marry her, everything prepared, the wedding day fixed, all at once you write that you have altered your mind, and don't intend to marry yet awhile, leaving poor Jane to break her heart and die. FRANK. Really, I am very sorry for poor Jane--though, 'pon my soul, I don't know who she is. ADELA. Oh, Harry, Harry! FRANK. Ah! I see how it is; you think I am Harry. ADELA. Well? FRANK. (_aside_) I am not going to answer for his evil deeds. (_aloud_) Well, I happen to be Frank. ADELA. You are Frank! FRANK. I am free to confess that I am, and the proof (_drawing papers from his pocket_) see--no, that is my tailor's bill; 'tis not at present receipted, but I depend on your liberality, grandmother---- ADELA. (_aside_) What does this mean? FRANK. (_finding letter that has been given him by SIMON_) Yes, here it is; look at that; the letter which you wrote to me. (_reading_) "My dear Frank," you see, "your brother Harry is a bad fellow; tell him from us that unless he becomes within a week, the husband of poor Jane, we have done with him for ever." ADELA. (_aside_) What do I hear? FRANK. "For yourself, if you wish that I should still love you----" (_hugging ADELAIDE_) Oh, my dear grandmother. ADELA. There, there; that will do. FRANK. "You will also get married." Do you really wish to see me married? ADELA. Well--I--that is---- FRANK. Well, grandmother, you won't have to wait long; there is now in this house a charming young creature, she arrived but this evening, yet---- ADELA. (_astonished_) And it is she? FRANK. Yes, grandmother. ADELA. You know her, then? FRANK. Know her---- _SIMON staggers on, door, L., still drunk, and wearing morning gown, &c., and carrying cushion and bottle._ SIMON. Sir, sir, your grandmother is returned. FRANK. (R.) I know that, you fool, for here she is. SIMON. (L.) Oh, but I mean the real 'un. FRANK. The what? ADELA. (C.) Can it be possible? SIMON. Godfather has just seen them; the old coach broke down, the roads were so bad; so they have come back, and I was in the park, just going to bed----(_staggering, and trying to pull off morning gown--Exit, door C._) ADELA. (_hastily snatching off her old woman's dress_) Oh, heaven! FRANK. Ah! you! ADELA. Let me go, for now that I know your brother will really marry my sister---- FRANK. Poor Jane is your sister? ADELA. Jane Stirling, yes. FRANK. Oh, well, of course, it's a family arrangement, altogether--and you and I are bound to get married immediately. ADELA. What do you say? FRANK. The two weddings will make but one. ADELA. Well, by-and-bye, we shall see, perhaps. (_bell rings_) _Enter SIMON, L., door._ SIMON. (_down, L._) There they are, do you hear that? FRANK. Simon, if you say a word about this night's proceedings, I will tell grandfather that you have been wearing his morning gown. SIMON. Oh, sir, it was you that---- ADELA. (_crossing to SIMON_) And I will tell him you were tipsy. SIMON. Oh, mum! FRANK. Now, let us prepare to receive them. ADELA. Yes. SIMON. Oh, you needn't be in a hurry, they don't walk very fast, you will have time to get married, and to ask pardon for all your sins. ADELA. (_to AUDIENCE_) More indulgence is always shewn to venerable age than is bestowed on giddy youth, and our great age, we think, deserves your consideration. FRANK. (_as old woman_) Think of my eighty years, and be good children. Simon, 'tis now your turn to implore! SIMON. My wife will be back directly! FRANK. ADELAIDE. SIMON. R. L. _Curtain._ Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn. Transcriber's Note This transcription is based on images digitized from a microform copy made available by the University of California, Davis. These images have been posted on the Internet Archive at: archive.org/details/SuterWantedYoungLady Because of the quality of the images, this transcription was compared with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at: victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol66ivWanted.pdf In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant spellings such as "atchieu," "doat," and "shewn." The following changes were made: -- p. 3: Deleted "[Mr. Lacy's List.]" at the top of the page. This appears to be a typesetting error. -- p. 3: SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C; door, R;_--For consistency, added a period after "C" and "R". -- p. 8: FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back direcctly.--Changed "direcctly" to "directly". -- p. 12: FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) but a glass of wine--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis. -- p. 12: my poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_) but if you object--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis. -- p. 13: (_runs off, door, R.--shaking at, door, L., continues_)--Deleted comma after "_at_". -- p. 14: FRANK. (R. C ) Well, the fact is--Inserted a period between "C" and the closing parenthesis. End of Project Gutenberg's 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. Suter *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "WANTED, A YOUNG LADY" : A FARCE, IN ONE ACT *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. 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