Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2

It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
an umbrella. SHEM thus raised the umbrella. Then our further
question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
on the Ark.

These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
spoken of in history.

The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
his right arm."

For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.

The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
beasts.

We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.

We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
cotton umbrella—undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.

It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house—one that covered the
whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
as would the tent of an Arab.

We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
of covered wagons.

There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
been under it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
there are but few perfect specimens in existence.

The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
kind is the hooked umbrella . Most people have hooked umbrellas—or,
if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in Vanity
Fair , liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)

This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.

(TO BE CONTINUED.)

Depressing for Chicago.

The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.

Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.

Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.

Right and Left.

Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
that the Bombay was Right.

ACT I. Scene 1. Enter Virtuous Banker . "I have embezzled
WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
ruined man."

Enter Unprincipled Clerk . "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
we will keep the money."

Virtuous Banker . "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
an honest man as usual."

Scene 2. Enter Comic Villain . "I am just released from prison
and must soon meet my wife." ( Swears and smashes in his hat .)

Enter Unprincipled Clerk . "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."

Comic Villain . "I will." ( Swears and smashes in his hat .)

Scene 3. Enter Miss Effie Germon . (Aside.) "I am supposed to
be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
trowsers, but I must." ( Shows them. Applause )

Enter Daughter of Comic Villain . "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
——-"

Enter Unprincipled Clerk . "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
( Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself .)

Enter Sick Stranger . "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
( Curtain .)

Young Lady in the Audience . "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"

Accompanying Bostonian Youth . "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
Marie Antoinette . There is a sweetness and light about the great
tragedienne which ——-"

Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man . "Don't think much of this;
do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day——" Contiguous and aggrieved Young
Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out .

ACT II. Scene 1. Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker .

Enter Original Coram . "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
villains having stolen my bootjack."

Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears .

Original Coram. (Approaching him .) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"

Comic Villain, in great mental torture . "Certainly; of course: I
said so at the time." ( Swears and smashes in his hat .) ( Exeunt
omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker .)

Scene 2. Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall .
"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
but I must." ( Shows them. Applause .)

Enter Daughter of Comic Villain . "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
( Faints .)

Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
indignation . ( Curtain )

Young Lady before-named . "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"

Bostonian Youth . "Yes; but RISTORI——"

Mighty Young Men . "Let's go out for drinks."

ACT III. Scene 1. Enter Daughter of Comic Villain . "My clerk
is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
myself."

Enter Original Coram . "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." ( She doesn't do it .)
( Curtain .)

Young Lady before-named . "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"

Bostonian Youth . "Yes. But at her age RISTORI——"

Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
out to get drinks .

ACT IV. Scene 1. Enter Virtuous Banker . "All is lost. There
is a run on the bank ——-"

Enter Unprincipled Clerk . "WALTER CORAM presents check for £7 4 S.
We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"

Enter Original Coram . ( Aside .) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. ( To the
Banker .) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
and pay your creditors."

Scene 2. Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain .

Unprincipled Clerk . "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."

Comic Villain . "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." ( Swears
and smashes in his hat .)

Scene 4. Enter Original Coram . "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
can't prove it—I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
wretches mean to burn me alive! ( Aside —And they'll do it too, some
night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"

Enter Miss Effie German . ( Aside .) "I must get on the roof and
drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." ( Gets on the roof with
Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
whirlwinds of applause and smoke.—Curtain )

Young Lady before-named . "Isn't EFFIE GERMON too lovely?"

Bostonian Youth . "Yes. RISTORI is, however ——-"

Heavy old Party . "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would ——-"

ACT V. Enter Original Coram . "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
and will marry her."

Unprincipled Clerk . "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
be. I will go to Australia, at once." ( He goes .)

Comic Villain , ( smashes his hat over his eyes and swears ).

Virtuous Banker . "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
injuries I have done you." ( Curtain .)

Every body in the audience . "How do you like—Real fire; STODDAHT'S
faces are—Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is—Real fire; Come and take—Real fire;
JIM WALLACK is always at home in—Real fire; There is nothing in the play
but—Real fire."

Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer . "Can I have two seats
for to-morrow night?"

Treasurer . "All sold, sir. Play draws better than Ours !"

Misanthropic Critic . Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.

Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss .—Have the fire scene take
place in the first act, and let all the dramatis personae perish in
the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
love—legitimate comedy—the better.

MATADOR.

MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
Of course you are—Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
seen many plays and many audiences. I know—or, at least, think I do—what
is good acting, and—what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
deal—of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.

First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot—especially if you
desire to plunge head foremost into one.

Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
but that is not your fault. You do your best—who can do better?

Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.

Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
it makes a great racket—as of course it will—and rolls a score of seats
off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
points are being evolved.

Fifth. Of course you carry a cane—a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
your forte is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
brain—only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.

Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.

These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain

Yours, truly,

O. FOGY.

V. H. to Punchinello.

The following letter, received by the French cable, explains itself. After
the perusal of it, America warms toward France:

HAUTEVILLE PARK, March 25,1870.

To THE EDITOR OF THE PUNCHINELLO:

MONSIEUR: The advance copy of your journal has stormed my heart. I owe it
one happy day.

Europe trembles. They light their torches sinister, those trans-alpine
vacillationists. The church, already less tranquil, dis-segregates itself.
We laugh.

To your journal there is a future, and there will be a past.

The age has its pulsations, and it never forgets.

I, too, remember.

There is also blood. Upon it already glitters the dust of glory.

Monsieur! I salute you and your confreres !

Accept my homage and my emotion.

VICTOR HUGO.

"Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time."

Almost since the world began, people have been interested in and
entertained by gossip respecting the personal habits and individual
idiosyncrasies of popular writers and orators. It is a universal and
undying characteristic of human nature. No age has been exempt from it from
PLINY'S time down to BEECHER'S. It may suitably be called the scarlet-fever
of curiosity, and rash indeed must be the writer who refuses or neglects to
furnish any food for the scandal-monger's maw. While we deprecate in the
strongest terms the custom which persists in lifting the veil of
personality from the forehead of the great, respect for traditional usages
and obligation to the present, as well as veneration for the future, impels
us to reveal some things that are not generally known concerning the men
who are playing "leading business" on the world's great stage of to-day.

For instance, mankind is generally ignorant of the fact that Mr. SUMNER
bathes twice a day in a compound, two thirds of which is water and one
third milk, and that he dictates most of his speeches to a stenographer
while reclining in the bath-tub. WENDELL PHILLIPS is said to have written
the greater portion of his famous lecture on "The Lost Arts" on the backs
of old envelopes while waiting for a train in the Boston depot. Mr. GEORGE
W. CURTIS prepares his mind for writing by sleeping with his head encased
in a nightcap lined with leaves of lavender and rose. GRANT, it is said,
accomplishes most of his writing while under the influence of either opium
or chloroform, which will account for the soothing character of his state
papers. WALT WHITMAN writes most of his poetry in the dissecting-room of
the Medical College, where he has a desk fitted up in close proximity to
the operating table. Mr. DANA is said to write most of his editorials in
one of the parlors of the Manhattan Club, arrayed in black broadcloth from
the sole of his head to the crown of his foot, his hands encased in corn-
colored kids, a piece of chewing-gum in his mouth, and a bottle of Cherry
Pectoral by his side. The report that he eats fish every morning for his
breakfast is untrue: he rejects FISH. COLFAX writes all his speeches and
lectures with his feet in hot water, and his head wrapped in a moist towel.
His greatest vice, next to being Vice-President, is to insist upon having
his writing desk in front of a mirror. BUTLER accomplishes most of his
literary labor over a dish of soup, which he absorbs through the medium of
two of his favorite weapons, thus keeping both his hands employed, and
dictating to an amanuensis every time his mouth enjoys a vacation. BEECHER
has several methods by which he prepares his mind to write a sermon: By
riding up and down Broadway on the top of a stage; visiting the Academy of
Anatomy, or spending a few hours at the Bloomingdale Retreat. Neither
HOLMES nor WHITTIER are able to write a line of poetry until they are
brought in contact with the blood of freshly-slain animals; while, on the
other hand, LONGFELLOW'S only dissipation previous to poetic effort, is a
dish of baked beans. FORNEY vexes his gigantic intellect with iced water
and tobacco, (of the latter, "two papers, both daily.") Mr. TILTON composes
as he reposes in his night-dress, with his hair powdered and "a strawberry
mark upon his left arm." Mr. PARTON writes with his toes, his hands being
employed meanwhile knitting hoods for the destitute children of Alaska. Mr.
P. is a philanthropist. BAYARD TAYLOR writes only in his sleep or while in
a trance state—notwithstanding the fact that he lives in the State of
Pennsylvania. He will then dictate enough to require the services of three
or four stenographers, and in the morning is ready to attend to the
laborious and exacting duties attached to the position of stockholder in
the New-York Tribune . Mr. GREELEY conceives some of his most
brilliant editorial articles while churning the mercurial milk of the
Chappaqua farm into butter; or vexing the gracious grain with the flying
flail; or listening to the pensive murmurings of the plaintive pigs, and
the whispered cadences of the kindly cattle. RICHARD GRANT WHITE can't
write, it is said, until a towel moistened with Cologne water is applied to
his nostrils. Sometimes, however, he varies the monotony of this method by
riding several miles in a Third Avenue car, which produces a similar
effect. OAKEY HALL writes his best things while riding on horseback in
Central Park; his saddle being arranged with a writing-desk accompaniment;
and while OAKEY dashes off the sentences, his horse furnishes the Stops.
And just here we propose to stop furnishing further revelations concerning
the men whose deeds have made their names famous in current national and
local history.

Taking the Cue.

There is a strong disposition among those of our diplomats who may be able
to talk a little "pigeon English," to obtain the Chinese position left
vacant by Mr. BURLINGAME. Most of these gentlemen can point the Moral of
the matter—the sixty thousand dollars a year—but whether any of them
would adorn the Tail, is quite another affair.

Questions for H.G.

Is not the Tribune influenced by its negrophilism in denouncing
PIERRE BONAPARTE as an assassin? Had the victim been a BLANC instead of a
NOIR, would Mr. GREELEY have felt quite as much sympathy for him?

APROPOS OF THE "ONEIDA."—The windiest excuses of the day are those of
EYRE.

ROONEY Loquitur .

ULYSSES asthore! Good lord, don't he snore!
ULYSSES! ULYSSES, my boy!
There's company here, must see you, me dear,
In spite of this Spanish kill-joy.
This Minister FISH, who, had he his wish,
Wud put your ould ROONEY down-stairs.
Ay, faith if he dar, but betther by far
The sinner was sayin' his pray'rs.
Arrah what does he mane at all?

Now, ULICK S. GRANT, it's your own self I want,
To patiently listen, mavrone,
To what I've to say, in a fatherly way,
As if you wor child ov my own.
For shure is it time, in prose or in rhyme,
That somebody spoke up, who dar'.
ULYSSES awake! for Liberty's sake,
It's braykin our hearts you are.
Arrah what do you mane at all?

Och, wirrasthrue vo! it's bitther to know
The work that goes an in your name;
The murdher an' ruin, that others are doin'
Whilst you have to showlder the shame!
The grief that is ours, whin you, by the Pow'rs,
Seem traytin it all like a joke,
Like NAYRO, the thief, whin Room was in grief,
That fiddled away in the smoke!
Arrah what do you mane at all?

Och, wake up, ochone! Your innimies groan
The words that cut deep as a sword:
"He's greedy for goold, an by its slaves rooled
ULYSSES is false to his word.
See poor Cuba there, all tatthered and bare;
For months at his doore she has stud;
Not a word he replies to her sobs or her sighs,
Nor cares for her tears or her blood!
Arrah what does he mane at all?"

Musha, what's that you say? "Sind the ould fool away."
I'm disturbin' your rest wid my prate;
There's Minister FISH, to consult if I wish,
Who attinds to all matthers of state.
An' Cuba, she too, wid her hulabaloo,
May just as well bundle an' go;
You won't hear us now, wid our murtherin row,
You'll sleep it out whether or no!
Arrah what do we mane at all?

Ah! then, by my sowl, this thratemint is foul—
To put your best frinds to the blush;
An' wor you sinsare, in what you sed there
We'd tie up your whistle, my thrush!
But ULICK, machree, you can't desave me,
By sayin' the word you don't mane;
Or make her beleeve who stands at me sleeve,
In FISH an' his Castles in Spane.
Arrah what do you mane at all?

'Tis late in the day to talk in that way;
We've had ministhers dishes galore,
An' laste to my taste, at the blundherin faste,
The sauce ov that fish one, asthore.
No, ULICK, alan! the work that's in han'
Must be done by yourself, if at all.
Your cooks, by my troth, are burnin' the broth,
We smell it out here in the hall!
Arrah what do you mane at all?

No, ULICK, my boy, rise up to our joy,
An' make a clane sweep ov the crowd
Of tinkerin tools, an' blundherin fools,
That put your wits undher a cloud.
Rise up in your might, an' sthrike for the right!
Let England an' Spain hear us talk;
Give FISH his conjay, an' ROONEY will stay;
You'll then see who's cock ov the walk!
Arrah what do you mane at all?

Lave Britain alone; if she won't pay, mavrone,
She's puttin' her head into debt.
If I know the books, the way the thing looks,
She'll pay us, wid intherest, yet!
Ay, faith he did say, so wise in his day—
That noble ould Graycian, PHILANDER—
That sauce for the goose, if well kept for use,
Was just as good sauce for the gandher!
Arrah what did he mane at all?

But Spain, the ould wulf, for her tricks in the Gulf,
Her robbery, murdher, and worse,
Her debt, she must see, is put down C.O.D.,
Wid Cuba relaysed from her curse.
Ay, FISH, you may sweat, an' SUMNER may threat,
An' burst his crack'd head in the row;
The People have spoke, that's fire an' not smoke!
An' this must be finished, an' now.
Arrah what do you mane at all?

Och! ULICK, awake, for Liberty's sake!
If not for your ROONEY, asthore;
The Godiss is here, but thrimbles wid fear
Ov the cowld-blooded Thing at the doore.
She sez that your name a by-word of shame
Will be to the nations onborn,
If you lie there anmov'd whilst the flag that you lov'd
Is flouted by Spaniards wid scorn.
Arrah what do you mane at all?

She sez, an' wid grief, her love for the chief,
That fought neath her bannir so long,
Will turn into hate, that will cling to the fate
Ov him who now sides wid the wrong.
She sez ov all woes that misery knows,
The grief ov the wronger's the worst
Who houlds back his ban' from a sufferin' lan'
An' laves her to tyrants accurs'd!
Arrah what do you mane at all?

Ah! that stirs your blood; I thought that it wud.
Your rizin', me bouchal; it's done!
Go on wid your pray'rs! I'm kickin' down-stairs
This ould Spanish mack'rel, for fun.
Sweet Liberty here, and Cuba, my dear!
You'll stay for the bite an' the sup?
An' pardon my joy; since I've woke up the boy
I don't know what ind ov me's up!
Arrah what did he mane at all?

No one now believes that DR. LIVINGSTONE was burnt for sorcery. The
originator of the report could have made a more plausible story by
asserting that LIVINGSTONE refused to marry the daughter of an African
chief, and was consequently put to death. This would have been strictly in
accordance with the customs of the African aristocracy, and would also have
called forth general admiration for the man who preferred to burn rather
than to marry.

City Hamlets vs. Rural Ditto.

The leading cities of late have grown almost wild with excitement over
their HAMLETS; but in country localities, the hamlets are marked for
quietude, and a refreshing freedom from all that is stagey, except,
perhaps, stage-coaches.

PUNCHINELLO, ever ready to hail with acclamation all that is for the
welfare of his fellow-men, is delighted to learn that an
"Anti-Orange-peel-and-Banana-skin Association" has been organized in the
city of New-York. The great number of severe accidents annually caused by
the idiotic custom of casting orange-peel and such other lubricious
integuments recklessly about the side-walks, has long furnished a topic for
public animadversion. Some of our leading citizens have taken the matter in
hand—or, to speak more correctly, on foot. The picture at the top of this
page gives a life-like representation of the Association referred to,
engaged in their benevolent work of removing from the side-walk with their
Boots all such fragments as might tend to the development of Slippers. The
Association has PUNCHINELLO'S best wishes. The Orange-Outangs who render
the side-walks dangerous have his worst.

The Great FECHTER as HAMLET has given us another proof of the brilliant
imagination of Mr. DICKENS. The play is so well known that a synopsis of it
is unnecessary. Yet a few words on the subject.

An economical mother in high society permits baked meats left from a
funeral festival to be served at a subsequent entertainment. Her son takes
umbrage at this; becomes morose and sullen; affects spiritualism and
private theatricals. This leads to serious family difficulties, culminating
in a domestic broil of unusual violence. The intellectual aim of the piece
is to show the extraordinary loquacity of a Danish Prince. The moral
inculcated by it is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It is replete
with quotations from the best authors, and contains many passages of marked
ability. Its literary merit is unquestionable, though it lacks the vivacity
of BOUCICAULT, and possesses no situation of such intense interest as the
scene in ROSINA MEADOWS where the heroine starts for Boston.

Mr. FECHTER presents HAMLET as a perfect "flaxy;" partly in deference to
the present popularity of the tint, and partly to show a marked contrast
with his OTHELLO, which character he always makes up as a male brunette.
His countenance is of great breadth and flexibility, ranging in its full
compass from the Placid Babe to the Outraged Congressman. His voice extends
from B flat profundo to the ut de poitrine piccolo . The
emotional nature of HAMLET gives him opportunity to exhibit both of these
wonderful organs, and in tutta forza passages, where he forces them
to their utmost power, the effect is exhilarating.

Mr. FECHTER is polished. He does not hesitate to correct the sometimes rude
and occasionally offensive remarks of HAMLET. Mr. FECHTER is refined. He
permits "no maggots in a dead dog." He substitutes "trichinae in
prospective pork." Fashionable patrons will appreciate this. They cherish
poodles, particularly post-mortem; they disdain swine. Mr. FECHTER is
polite. He excludes "the insolence of office," and "the cutpurse of the
empire and the rule." Collector BAILEY'S "fetch" sits in front. Mr. FECHTER
is fastidious. He omits the prefatory remarks to "assume a virtue," but
urges his mother to seek relief in Chicago. Considering her frivolous
conduct and the acrid colloquy consequent upon the comparison of
photographs, this is filial as well as affectionate.

Minor actors must, of course, be precluded from liberties with the text;
but presuming the alterations in question to be the result of a
consultation with Mr. DICKENS, we must rejoice that SHAKESPEARE is being
toned to good society. We commend the improved readings to the delicate
susceptibilities of the community.

Mr. FECHTER is a great genius. Distinguished talent is occasionally needed
to elevate the national taste. How we have outraged theatrical proprieties
by applauding WALLACK and BOOTH and DAVENPORT!
FORREST, forget us. FECHTER,
forgive us.

Epitaph on a Defunct Boarding-House.

Peace to its Hashes!

Apropos of Small-salaried Husbands, who have Extravagant Wives.

"A little earning is a dangerous thing."

The Mormon's Motto

Bring 'em Young.

"Mr. GRABB, pay—pray, why don't it pay?"

"Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir—because they don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
TODD?"

Mr. TODD did see it.

"Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
grocery, or in Wall and State streets.

Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain—especially where it
is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado—the antipodes a
celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia—is
it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
sewing-machine needle.

Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
first corner for half a week's wages or—stealings. As a general thing, I
don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
acquaintances—I go into society a great deal—do not appear to have a bit
of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT—who heeds him or his?
He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town—and in
the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable.

Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
lent all the time—not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine—of mine own
choice authors. The best of friends are, of course—like the best of
steaks—rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
thousand—an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
Books—what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
were not for the season of Lent?

I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
prejudiced—friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
the suburbs of green peas—who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
have run for office—and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
ahead of me. Very queer in politics—the less the head the more one gets
ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance—such is
much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
office—say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave—it's a
fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
FECHTER BOOTH, Frou-Frou , the Twelve Temptations , and opera.
I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do not like. They are
unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
strong and can draw well. My forte is drawing salary. That may not
be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
It is the plaster every man would put to his back.

As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
third. This platform is strong and satisfactory—at least to your friend,

TIMOTHY TODD.

Who killed the Charter?
I, says the Herald ,
With wit à la JERROLD.
As Assemblymen I ferruled,
And I killed the Charter.

Who killed the Charter?
I, says the World ,
With my blunders hurled
And black flag unfurled,
And I killed the Charter.

Who killed the Charter?
I, says the Sun ,
With my sensation fun,
Or my Sol-ferino gun,
And I killed the Charter.

Who killed the Charter?
I, says PUNCHINELLO,
With my wit so mellow,
I was the very fellow
Who killed off the Charter.

A pathetic recital for the benefit of you, or me, or any other snail who
may want a tortoise-shell.

In what year, or under what king Bezoman, lived he, no matter. Suffice it
to know he still survives.

Once he was happy!

Once, whene'er the eventide flooded the earth with effulgent glory, and
each little star began to wonder who I was, to the loftiest turret of his
quite commodious castle this dwarf would climb, and muse upon sciology and
the cosmic forces.

The boy advanced to the edge of the roof, made a bow, placed one arm at
right angles before him, while the other hung by his side, and thus he sang
his song:

"I've never been to public school,
My vaccination did not take.
Perhaps I will grow up a fool;
But that my heart will never break.

I would not win in learning's race,
Nor e'er be rich and lose my looks;
I think that a small-pocked face
Is worse than e'en small pocket-books.
Then, didy fol, la, la, la, la!—"

"Stop!" cried the now enraged dwarf. "Begone! ere I, base boy! shall heave
the turret down."

"Certainly," replied the youth. "Big, ornary, base boy shall leave thee to
rot down. Oh! yes; of course, of course!" And away he went.

The Court fool came at last and let his master down.

"Oh! ho!" said he of the motley, as the dwarf came slowly down the ladder.
"Thou art now the first descendant of thy house."

The dwarf laughed, and fell the rest of the way. "No matter!" he cried,
rubbing his shins. "My house shall follow me. It shall come down too. I am
going to have it all built up anew."

"Bravo!" said the clown. "I thought you were too happy."

On the next day the door-bell of the castle rang, and soon a varlet came to
fast inform my lord the dwarf that in the parlor waited now a giant, and on
the card he gave his name was written, "S.T. Mate." The dwarf unto his
parlor quick repaired, and there, upon some dozen chairs the giant sat,
smiling benign.

"Hail to thee! good Sir Dwarf," spake the mammoth, and rising and folding
his arms across his breast, he sang, in royal bass, his song:

The dwarf revolved himself rapidly, and quickly reached the floor.

"The concert's over!" he cried, "and here's a check for eighty pounds.
Proceed! Tear down; construct! I leave tonight for foreign parts. Write me
when all is done. Adieu."

The interview terminated.

The clown, who had overheard this fair discourse, now left the castle; and
retiring to a secluded spot, where—a willow drooped sadly o'er the brook,
he laid him down and died.

The dwarf to foreign parts now hied, and when twelve months had passed, and
he had had no news of his grand castle, he returned home.

He found the castle finished—all but the roof and walls. The deep cellars,
with their marble copings just peeping 'neath the heavy mass of weeds that
clustered to their very edge, were dark and solemn. The sly fox slunk along
their passages, and grim serpents reared their heads from many a gloomy
corner.

The dwarf, he gazed in silence!

By heavy sighs his breast was heaven, and black thoughts made his soul like
Hades!

Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.

"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.

The interview was terrible!

All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.

At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:

"Oh! hear me now, misguided dwarf,
Eight thousand pound more I must ask.
Materials, and labor too,
All rose since I began my task.

Among the things we can't divine.
Are values of such terms as 'so;'
But I've all items entered straight,
Where all the money goes you'll know."

The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.

But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
him and never left him more.

The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,

"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. Get
thy guitar and sing a song!"

The minstrel sang:

"O Estimate!
Thy name is great,
MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
Do as we will,
Thy coming still
Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."

The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore; knowing the sign, the
minstrel then forbore.

Where are you now , MR. BAILEY?
We've been looking for you daily,
Sometimes sadly, sometimes gayly,
Ever since the week begun.
Loving you so dear as we do,
Doting on you, doubting for you,
Looking for you, longing for you,
Waiting for you, watching for you,
Fearing you have cut and run,
Ere your heavy task was done
In cigars, and snuff, and rum;
Spoiling for us lots of fun,
And racy items for The Sun ,
In the seizure rows begun,
And the heavy raids to come.
Think of poor, forsaken KIRBY,
Think of honest-scented HARVEY!
Your desertion, J. F. BAILEY,
"Busts" our glorious Trinity;
Robs the law of subtlety,
Knocks our look for moietie ,
Knocks that Jersey property!
So much whisky all set free:
Where is SHIELDS to get his fee?
Think of melancholy PUFFER,
What the aged CHILDS must suffer!
JOSHUA F., the noble buffer,
"Lost to sight, to memory dear,"
Think of energetic VAIL
Looking round to get his bail,
While you're riding on a rail,
Or on ocean gayly sail
For UNCLE BULL'S dominion!
How could you thus fly the track
With so many stores to "crack,"
And COLUMBUS at your back
To defy the whiskey pack
And popular opinion?
Whiskey "fellers" feeling badly,
Cigar-sellers smoking madly,
Bondsmen looking sorely, sadly,
If their signatures are clear,
If you will not cost them dear,
If in court they must appear
Mournfully, in doubt and fear.
Oh! you weak, unfeeling cuss,
To get them in this shocking muss;
How their pocket-books will rue it!
J.F.B., how could you do it?
Are you putting for the West,
Did you take French leave for Brest,
Have you feathered well your nest,
Do you sweetly take your rest;
Say, whom do you like the best—
COOK, or JENKS, or FULLERTON?
Would you, JOSH, believe it true,
At the moment, sir, when you
Waited for that verdict blue,
O'er the wires the message flew,
Paid or franked by BOUTWELL through:
"The gig is up; the cuss won't do.
Put the district Thirty-two
Under General PLEASANTON."
Oh! the vile ingratitude;
Of Statesmen in this latitude;
Worse than DELANO'S attitude.
Say, what is your longitude,
East or West from Washington?

"Fox"-y.

FECHTER'S wig in HAMLET.

"Echoes of the Clubs."

SOUND of the policemen's batons on the sidewalk.

Over and Under.

INDIANA is said to be "going over" her divorce laws. She has certainly gone
long enough under them.

Our Bullet-in.

THE government has so many bad guns on hand that it deserves to be called,
"A snapper-up of unconsidered Rifles."

Every Little Helps.

THE British newspapers say that ARTHUR HELPS writes the PRINCE OF WALES'S
speeches. Now, if ARTHUR HELPS the Prince, who helps ARTHUR?

Mr. DRAKE, who has been studying elocution under a graduate of the Old
Bowery, and has acquired a most tragic croak, which, with a little rouge
and burnt cork, and haggard hair, gives him a truly awful aspect, remarked
that the soil of the South was clotted with blood by fiends in human shape,
(sensation in the diplomatic gallery.) The metaphor might be meaningless;
but it struck him it was strong. These fiends were doubly protected by
midnight and the mask. In his own State the Ku-Klux ranged together with
the fierce whang-doodle. His own life had been threatened. (Faint
applause.) He had received an express package marked in large letters,
"D.H." The President of the United States, an expert in express packages,
had told him this meant "Dead Head." Was this right? Hah! Bellud!! Gore was
henceforth his little game. He would die in his seat. (Great cheering,
which rendered the remainder of the senator's remarks inaudible.)

The case of the admission of General AMES as a senator from Mississippi
came up. Senator CONKLING said that he had no objection to AMES in
particular; but in Brigadier-General, he considered the principle of
letting in men who elected themselves to be bad. Notoriously, General AMES
did not live in Mississippi. He considered this rather creditable to
General AMES'S good sense than otherwise. But did it not operate as a
trivial disqualification against his coming here to represent Mississippi?
Besides, if generals were allowed to elect themselves, where would it end?
General AUGUR, he believed, commanded the Indian district. He would send
himself to the Senate from that region, and be howling about the Piegan
massacre and such outrages upon his constituents, with which the Senate had
been sickened already. In that case AUGUR, he grieved to say, would be a
Bore. Then there is CANBY, who commands in Virginia. CANBY would like to be
a senator, no doubt, like other people who never tried it; and he will be
if he CANBY. A distinguished friend of his in the other house, whom it
would be detrimental to the public service for him to name, if this
military representation were to be recognized, instead of sitting for a
district in Massachusetts, would represent Dutch Gap. They had already, in
his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
politic.

Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative.
AMES was a good fellow, and a good officer. Besides, he had been through
West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
not wish to be considered a better himself.

All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent.

HOUSE.

The House had a little amusement over polygamy in Utah. That institution
shocks Mr. WARD, of New-York, and naturally also Mr. BUTLER, of
Massachusetts. Mr. WARD was astonished to see any member standing up in
defence of polygamy in the nineteenth century. If some member should stand
up in any other century and defend it, it would not astonish him at all. It
was sheer inhumanity to refuse to come to the rescue of our suffering
brethren in Utah. How a man who had one wife could consent to see fellow-
creatures writhing under the infliction of two or three each, was what, Mr.
WARD remarked, got over him. Mr. BUTLER pointed out how much money the
Mormons had made.

Mr. Cox did not see why we should interfere by force to prevent a man's
marrying as many wives as he chose. Such a man was his own worst enemy; and
his crime carried its own punishment.

Mr. HOOPER, of Utah, said the bill was an outrage. By all the wives that he
held most sacred, he felt impelled to resent it. MOSES was a polygamist;
hence his meekness. If this sort of thing was continued, no man's wives
would be safe. His own partners would be torn from him, and turned out upon
the world. He scorned to select from among them. Take all or none.

The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. The rage for
titles is said to be so great among some classes of Americans resident in
the Holy City, that the only song one hears at evening parties and
receptions is the one commencing,

"When I can read my title clear."

We should not be surprised any day to hear that a marriage market had been
opened on one of the plazas of Rome, the quotations of which would read
something after this fashion: Husbands dull and declining; American
beauties more active; foreign mammas less firm; American securities in
great demand; the market in princes somewhat stronger; holders of titles
much sought after; brains without money a drug in the market; "bogus"
counts at a discount; the genealogy market panicky and falling; the stock
of nobility rapidly depreciating; the pedigree exchange market flat and
declining, etc., etc. This traffic in titles, this barter in dowries, this
swapping of "blood" for dollars, is an offense too rank for words to embody
it. The trade in cadetships is mild in comparison with it, because in these
commercial transactions with counts, while one party may be the purchaser,
both parties are inevitably seen to be sold. The business may only be
excusable on the theory that "an even exchange is no robbery." But so long
as brains are not bartered for a title, or beauty sacrificed for a
pedigree, we should not complain. Of money, there is plenty in America;
and, while marquises are in the market, let Shoddy continue to pipe for its
own. A fig for Macbeth's philosophy that "blood will have blood." We modify
it in these degenerate days to "blood will have money:"

"Maidens, like moths, are ever caught by glare;
And Mammon wins his way where Seraphs might despair."

"The Lay of the Last Minstrel."

"SHOO FLY, don't bodder me."

"Benedict's Time."

THE honeymoon.

Homoeopathic Cure for Hydrophobia.

BARK.

Ode to my Washerwoman.

$2 50.

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No. 2 Automatic Knitter, 84 needles,  price, 33, for 13 subscribers and 52.
No. 3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, price, 37, for 15 subscribers and 60.
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No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, price, $75, for 30
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Descriptive Circulars

Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.

Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
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